Season of Mourning

This has been an interesting month and I just haven’t had time to write about it at all, so today I’m forcing myself to sit here and pen some of these swirling thoughts that I’ve meant to get down on paper in the last several weeks.

The theme that God seems to be touching on in my personal, non-weight loss focused life is this concept of a Season of Mourning

I guess this season of mourning started with an unaccepted letter that I sent to my sister in hopes of reconciling. I admitted my mistakes, asked for forgiveness but basically said I need to see some changed behavior and I heard absolutely NOTHING back and instead “heard through the grapevine” that I am unwilling or “open” to have a relationship with her. Correct, I am unwilling to continue to be a doormat, but I’d like to have a healthy relationship with her. Unfortunately, that does not seem possible and this grieves my soul.

So the season of mourning began there.

This season  came to a head mid-March when I unexpectedly added an additional day volunteering at my kid’s school. See I normally volunteer Monday and Tuesday for a couple of hours but during this time they needed help on Wednesday and I needed the time so when asked I said, “sure”.

Little did I now God would use this as my breaking point.

On the third day I was utterly exhausted. I had still been working out, running my household AND putting in the extra time.

On the third day, it boiled over.

By the end of the day, a longtime friendship I had from Michigan ended abruptly and in my opinion looking back now, based on sad miscommunication and a lack of grace. Couple that will my sheer exhaustion, I literally came home, fell on my bed into a sobbing mess of a women.

My poor husband had no idea what was going on or what to do so he left me alone for a while.

I jumped in the shower, hoping that would fix things.

This is typically where God speaks to me, the shower and the gym.

See Something a new kitchen volunteer said to me after hearing I’ve had a stroke said to me, said “I would NEVER have guessed, you don’t LOOK like you’ve had a stroke!”! She was genuinely shocked, as are most people upon finding out!!

 As I was driving home from school that day, the thought struck me……sure I can have weight loss surgery and work out and get my body back to physical shape to where I can run without dying. I can sleep better, breathe easier, be healthier because of Bariatric surgery BUT there is NO surgery that will ever restore my vision or my cognitive ability. No matter how hard I TRY to “look” normal’ and trust me I can put on a good show

 So this reality felt like a crushing blow and while it probably sounds weird, I mean after all I’ve been living like this for almost 8 years (December) I don’t know why but it just felt like a dead weight around my neck this day. I suppose because no matter how much I TRY to “look” normal and “keep up” with all the hypothetical moms I’ve created in my brain. I just can’t I AM disabled. As much as I ABSOLUTELY hate it. It IS my truth and it’s where God has placed me. On this path to walk and not hide. So, for today I am saying…. I’m done hiding, it’s to exhausting pretending to “look” normal when I am NOT.

So TODAY and it will be (as my grandma Lewis ALWAYS said) in a one day at a time process. Today I accept it. I have trouble seeing. I have trouble thinking and even at time communicating, but it’s who I am.  Some people get it and some people don’t and that’s ok.

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