I was going to sit down yesterday and write these thoughts out but never had the time. So, it waited until this morning. But before I delve into why I’m currently struggling, I have a few “warnings”, if you will.
First, I’m tired. I feel worn out, beaten down. And yes that’s where this post is coming from, so if you can’t handle my personal truth, or feel the need to “correct” me, just DON’T…. walk away, it isn’t your place and I can assure you, I will NOT receive it well, especially, if we don’t have a personal relationship outside of interacting here and there or over Facebook/Instagram….not YOUR place and any fringe relationship we may or may not have will be destroyed.
Secondly, I know Jeff has a ton of family members on my Facebook, many of whom are Christians, to you I would say, you may not want to read this post because it’s going to be about how I feel in our marriage. So if you can’t hear ME or feel the need to run to his mom and gossip (which is specially calling her to discuss this blog post) then STOP READING NOW
OK now that those things are out of the way, let’s get to the meat of the topic……………my current feelings in my household.
For as long as I can remember, all I’ve ever wanted to do was be a homemaker, so imagine my contentment when we FINALLY settled in Chicago and I’ve gotten (or so I’ve thought) do that for the last 3 months. I’ve been happily and contently cleaning, making dinner, baking, you name it. I’ve been doing it. Even making my husband’s lunch EVERY, SINGLE, DAY. So all he has had to do was grab it off the counter at 5 am and walk out the door. (as for his lunch, I would make his sandwich and bag his chips up the night before, put the sandwich in the refrig. so when I go up at 4am, I could then pack It up so all he’d have to do is grab it off the counter as he walks out the door at 5 am) Nope he never asked me to do this, I just started doing it. Why? For a few reasons, I had been PRAYING that God would help me take care of my family in a Godly way, I had been reading Proverbs 31 and desired to mold my life after that “wife of noble character” and I know that Jeff isn’t a morning person so I thought this might just help him ease into his day a little better.
However, rarely would he thank me, and not that I was looking for thanks because the Bible clearly talks about if you look for your thanks among men, and get it, that’s it, that’s your reward, so I would much rather have a reward in Heaven. However, I also wasn’t looking for what would ultimately follow, which was a CONSTANT critique of HOW his sandwich was being made…..at first I wasn’t folding his cheese right or putting enough lunchmeat on his bread. Then it was I wasn’t using the correct sandwich bags to put his sandwich in or chips. When I’d bring up my frustration, his typical response would be, “I’m grateful, not being controlling, just trying to train you” And stupidly, I jumped through the hoops, or tried to. I started folding his cheese differently, added more lunchmeat, bagged his chips up differently. Yada yada yada. Until it became, your putting “too much” lunchmeat on my sandwich and now we are wasting money…..duly noted
It all came to a head this week when I allowed my son, who was grocery shopping with me, pick out a turkey. Since I cook, I meal plan and shop accordingly. I typically make large meals so that we have leftovers and maybe buy 3 meals during Saturday’s shop and then pick up stuff for another meal on Wednesday’s shop. This causes leftovers and if leftovers don’t get eaten, they get thrown out in our house because Jeff absolutely REFUSES to eat food that’s been stored in the freezer, claiming it has a “freezer taste”
So back to the turkey, the goal was to buy at most a 14lb turkey and then make some different things with the meat like casseroles, soups have sandwiches (because I stupidly thought Jeff would take this meat for sandwiches…..later learned, nope he won’t)
Caleb tells me he found a 14lb turkey, my mistake was taking him at his word and not looking myself. This was most definitely MY MISTAKE and I’ll regret it for a VERY long time!!
We ended up buying a 20lb turkey, blew my grocery budget up for the week and have fought nonstop with Jeff about it since then. It’s been loads of fun around here.
The culmination of this disaster came to a head when I attempted to have a discussion with Jeff about how to “do better at grocery shopping” because after all, it’s my desire to be a wife of noble character, not overspending, not making my husband mad. I don’t remember what else was going on when I was trying to have this discussion (because RARELY do Jeff and I talk anymore face to face, I find it’s easier just to text him or call him when he’s at work) we typically fight on the weekends because after he’s driven into a city he absolutely HATES all week, all he wants to do on Saturday is zone out and watch college football, so in the last 3 months I’ve learned that NOTHING should be brought up on Saturdays. And as far as Sundays, since we haven’t found a church yet, they get sucked up with typically sitting through a church service we’ve hated, followed by a car ride home filled with discussions of how much of a waste of time that was.
The final straw for me came on Thursday when Jeff got home early from work and we were discussing what a bad job I did at grocery shopping the following week. Of course, I told him he could shop and take it over, he won’t. When we got to my frustration with throwing leftovers out and our kids playing both of us against each other, he says to me, “no one asked you to cook or clean, you just took it upon yourself to do all of that”
Really? Ok so who’s going to clean the bathrooms? Or the kitchen? (although we pay our daughter to “clean” the kitchen but I really keep it clean all day so she has very minimal work to do there, who’s going to empty the trash in the kitchen or buy groceries?
His response to meals and our grocery budget……”it’d be cheaper for the kids and I to eat out all week then what you spend on groceries”
Yes that’s true. Yes it’s true you can eat somewhat cheaper moneywise off the dollar menu at McDonald’s, which is right up the road from us. Or grab a $5 pizza from little Caesars. Yup, all true and sooooo healthy and such a great example for our kids!!
So since this is the mentality of thanklessness and selfishness I’m working with…..I freaking BOYCOTT!!!!
It’s after arguments like this that I think a few things:
Ø Why God wouldn’t you just take me up with you in 2009 during my stroke? I’m obviously not making much of a difference here on this earth (don’t freak out, I am NOT actively suicidal!!!)
Ø Why God would you allow me to have all the health issues I’ve had, leaving me virtually unable to be self-sufficient on this earth without a man?
Ø Why Lord?
So I normally clean bathrooms on Fridays, my logic is because I like to have clean bathrooms over the weekend, guess what didn’t get done on Friday? Yep, it’s was made clear I haven’t been asked to take care of my house. So I’ve decided I will only be doing the bare minimum of what I’m being asked and that is make sure my kids get to and from school and buy the things they need like milk, cereal, soap, toilet paper, but beyond that I haven’t been asked to do ANYTHING around here. Maybe it’s the wrong response to my situation, I don’t know yet, but I trust that if it is God will put His finger on it. So in the meantime, my family can eat out this week. I’ll continue to have my shakes and yogurt. I’m going to Walmart after the gym today and apart from I’m sure SOMETHING I buy there won’t be right, I’m not buy ANYTHING to make meals, I’ll get Jeff his lunchmeat, but I won’t be making his lunches anymore. Why should I? I don’t do them right anyway and he doesn’t appreciate it, it’s a waste of my time and energy, so nah he can do it himself, IF he does it at all. He’ll probably just grab fast food for lunch, but hey whatever, his body, his health. Not my problem.
I’m just done. I’m done!