Today I experienced a small victory.
I’ve been a slave to the scale, truly. It started shortly after I was sleeved in 2014 and it continued through last week, so yes this is all new, but I believe God is doing a work in my heart to break this vicious cycle!!
Yesterday I stumbled across Galatians 5:1, which says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” This spoke deeply to my heart, but I didn’t realize how much until this morning.
You see, I desperately wanted to start weighing “in” once a week, but truth be told, this idea terrified me. Mostly I was plagued by the “what if”
What if I could tweak my diet a little differently and see a shift in my loss for the week,
what if I didn’t lose in a week? Would that mean that this revision wasn’t going to work? I mean, I had already had a revision, I couldn’t even face the possibility of needing another one and truth be told, my diet hasn’t been exactly perfect. I struggle. I like salty crunchy things. I hadn’t realized how legalistic and strict I had become with myself until this week in all honesty.
See my sleeve was royally screwed up, so my weight loss, even though small, was primarily from a hyper strict diet and set of rules.
Rules like: no carbs after 2pm, no fats 4 days before a weigh in, absolutely NO sugar!! No dairy, high protein, carbs were green veggies and clean sources like: unsalted rice cakes, quinoa, brown rice, sweet potato. Seriously this is what I ate, oh and eat every 3 hours to keep that metabolism burning….insert eye roll here…..Gosh I was so anal and so uptight that I couldn’t breathe and you know what this “lifestyle” did in me? It created the beginning of a perfect eating disorder storm.
I found myself “sneaking” foods that were “off limits, shoveling them into my mouth, gulping them down, without even really tasting them…..it was INSANE!!!! But I was being “helped” by a fellow bodybuilding/bariatric friend and this was the regimen, and for the most part it worked for about a year, until it just didn’t anymore, but that’s another story and another thought process that this blog isn’t going to touch on. All of this to say, my thinking and approach to food and weight loss pre RNY were greatly dysfunction. I had become a slave to food and to the scale and I knew going into this new bypass journey I wanted all of this to change, I just wasn’t sure exactly how it would.
Of course it was super fun to watch the weight melt off of me immediately post op and yes I was on the scale CONSTANTLY because it was such a new experience. Then when life started throwing me curveballs: moves, new life experiences, family medical stuff etc. I found myself slipping back into old patterns of jumping on the scale each morning to “keep an eye” on my weight because I tied what I was eating (I’m an emotional carb eater) to how much I weigh. Anyway, then I hit a minor “stall” and in all honesty it wasn’t a true stall where the scale wasn’t budging for weeks on end, it was more I was bouncing between 200-198. Anyway, prior to picking one day a week to weigh in every week, I did research on which day was the “best” day to weigh in and the overall consensus was Fridays, well today is Friday and yes I had been weighing in Wed-Saturday since we moved to Illinois.
Anyway, like I said God has been speaking to me about not being a slave to the scale.
So this morning I literally took the scale out of the closet and looked at that beast and in the back of my mind heard, “Trust me Angie”, and instead of jumping on that beast, I put it right back in the closet and thought, “NO I will not get on that scale until next Wednesday” because this is the commitment I’ve made to myself and to my God and I desperately want to trust HIM in this process and get rid of all the external noise. I believe that God led me to my surgeon so I’m going to follow his instruction, as to what I’m supposed to do and keep my eyes focused on Jesus…. period, beyond that everything is just noise!!