The Battleground is the Mind

 

Last week I was really struggling with feeling like the bottom was about to fall out on my weight loss. Like even though I had bypass somehow it wouldn’t work the way it was supposed to and where I was sitting at currently, 207 would be as good as it would get. Even though my surgeon NEVER indicated this would be the case. It was all just my own irrational fear stemming from my horrific prior experience with my gastric sleeve. BUT in those moments I couldn’t be rational,

I found myself weighing daily and freaking out at the slightest fluctuation.

I was literally a mess.

I started thinking, “will this work 10 year from now?

Am I going to need another revision? OMG what have I done?”

Apparently this is all completely normal to go through this early out, but more “normal” when you hit a stall, which I wasn’t experiencing.

I did however, experience a slight one while I was in Michigan taking care of my dad and in truth it wasn’t really a stall, it was more, I would lose the same 3-5 pounds over and over, it became very frustrating while I was up there. BUT I was in a completely abnormal life circumstance, off my workout regimen, eating like poop. It just wasn’t “normal” Of course I can see that now, but last week I just couldn’t, no last week I was paralyzed by fear of failure.

I was all sorts of crazy, a hot mess.

I stopped eating for a little while, but then got hit with migraines, so that didn’t work.

Increased Miralax, which is an old behavior, but got hit with massive diarrhea and sure I’d rather deal with diarrhea any day of the week over constipation, it was a VERY unhealthy place to be!! BUT thankfully God didn’t leave me drown there because I have been in those places in my past! I reached out in one of the only handful of bariatric groups on Facebook I’m in and just posed the question. Something like: Hey I’m just 11 weeks out, terrified that my weight loss is going to stop and freaking out, is this normal? The response was overwhelming, most people assumed I was in a stall, I wasn’t. But there I was freaking out about how quickly I was losing weight and freaking about that for some reason, like “this is to good to be true kinda thing” so stupid, but anyway

 

One lady who had bypass and was either 10 or more years out, I don’t remember the specific number, but she wrote something that was so good that I copied and pasted it into a note into my phone and I’ve been chewing on it for days. This is what she wrote:

“It helped me when I came to terms with this fact…. There is no finish line. The day after the scale says that magic # nothing changes…..every day I breath I wake up and make the best choices I can that can”

Did you catch that? NOTHING CHANGES!!!!! That really hit me hard. There is NO FINISH LINE!!!!

I’ll be honest I don’t know what I was thinking prior to her saying this. In all honesty (I was just talking to Jeff about this yesterday) I guess I was thinking I hit my number of 157 and I can have a big fat juicy cheat meal or at that point start eating some of the “forbidden” foods I’ve stayed away from? Is that what I was thinking? Maybe, I honestly don’t know, but as I was talking to Jeff I started to really unravel my upbringing, I have been raised in a family that has celebrated by indulging in food to celebrate every life milestone…. bottom line whether it was graduation from high school…..food, baby dedication…..food. birthdays……food. You name it,

EVERY stinking life milestone has been surrounded by FOOD, so of course I would just automatically assume once I achieved this number of “success” in my mind I would somehow celebrate with FOOD……………dead WRONG. I don’t want that way any longer, that victory lap is for the old Angie. That girl who was fat, sick and tired. You know her too. I’ve posted pictures of her all over Facebook. I don’t want that way of life anymore. NO MORE!!! But it’s going to be a battle, one that I am preparing myself for now at 3 months post op.

At this point, I’m losing the weight. I’ve learned to fall in love with fitness, that won’t change or stop. I love lifting weights and I love running, two things that I will structure my future goals around. What they are at this point I don’t completely know. I do know that my goals since I weighed 315 pounds has always been and continues to be to run a 5K, so at this point I am training to run a 5K, hopefully by my 42 birthday in November 2016 and how will I celebrate when I’ve accomplished that massive victory? Well I’ve already asked Jeff and he’s agreed……

I’m going to buy myself a new……wait for it

Wait for it

Running hat!!!!!

Here are the things I’m obsessed with besides food, which is becoming less and less of an obsession.

Bags (not just purses but all forms of bags)

Pens

Shoes

Hats

These four items just make me happy in life and if a store has them I cannot be trusted or left alone in said store, this is the Gospel truth ask my husband.

 

What’s my point here?

It’s time for me to start seeing this weight loss journey as a lifelong process that has NO finish line. Sure the magical number will be achieved BUT it will be celebrated in my life with something from the above list: bag, pen, shoes, hat, NOT food. I have said it before and I will continue to sing it from the mountaintops, the battle for health and weight loss, for me anyway, has always been a war waged against my mind. So today I tell you that this battle has begun with a little more knowledge and I’m asking if you are reading this that you would cover me in prayer because this is not an easy battle to fight, but with God all things are possible and every. Single. Day. He proves to me how much He is on my side fighting for me!!IMG_7865

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