Confessions of My Screwed Up Head

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Something I’ve noticed about myself on this new RNY journey is that my head is really screwed up, um did you read my post yesterday? :/

When you put your trust in a surgeon whom you believe will do a good job and remove the portion of stomach they are supposed to, you don’t second guess it, or at least I didn’t until a couple of months post op, But even once I started questioning my sleeve, I didn’t do anything about it until 2 ½ years later, making it too late to file any type of criminal or civil charges against my craptastic Missouri bariatric surgeon, Dr. Lisa Martin-Hawver.

So yeah, you could say my head is a little screwed up!! I find myself super terrified to try ANYTHING with this new surgery, even thinking if I stay on full liquids a bit longer then the weight loss won’t stop…. but I know at some point, the weight loss is going to at least slow if not stall, because that’s the normal course of events with weight loss surgery. The trick for me is going to be to take my own advice that I’ve dished out along the way to people posting, “omg I’ve hit a stall and I’ve only lost 20 lbs this month!” I would say to them, “when in the history of your life have you EVER lost that much weight in a month before?” The answer is usually never, because without surgery it’s almost impossible to lose that much in a month unless grossly obese.

So why am I freaking out so much? I mean come on Angie, you’ve already lost 18lbs in a week and a half, that’s pretty amazing.

Because I’m questioning EVERYTHING….will the weight loss end when I introduce food, what about lifting weights again? OMG I feel like a freak show. I had a friend FB yesterday after I asked her a question and she said to me, “I sincerely just want you to relax and enjoy this process” and it struck me. At some point I need to just jump in and trust my surgeon and his program, right? He’s told me where he believes I’ll get to and that number sounds fabulous. I guess I feel burnt by my sleeve experience and it has me freaking out because I feel like I wasted 2 ½ years, granted I leaned a lifetime of lessons in that timeframe. But I realized a few things after yesterday’s post about God and this new journey I’m on…. It’s all going to come down to blindly trusting, which is something I AM NOT GOOD AT, nor have I ever claimed to be good at.

These two journeys, this new weight loss journey AND my journey in my relationship with God are eerily similar, coincidence? I think not!!!

See here I am struggling to trust my surgeon, although I have NO reason not to, Prior to surgery I asked him a million questions, searched out his former patients who are over the moon happy with him. So what’s my problem? I guess it comes down to how I feel burned by Dr. Hawver and I’m transferring my fear and upset onto my new surgeon and that’s not fair at all.

Then two days ago happened and I’m arguing with my husband about my food…. again and I realize that IF he was working, he’d have NO clue what I’m eating and he’d have something else to focus on or control, so this vein of thinking led me to questioning why God hasn’t allowed to Jeff to find another job, but the reality is just because my circumstances look bleak at the moment, doesn’t mean that those circumstances have changed who God really is.  I mean at some point I need to trust God at his Word and not filter Him through my human experiences, this has always been a struggle of mine…. blindly trusting. BUT I know that God spared my life in 2009, why I don’t know…..yet, but there must be a reason? Of course there is a reason and I’m not going to waste this second chance at life squabbling with myself over temporary problems when there is an eternity I’m living for!! I remember waking up from the stroke and going to church for the first time and just being overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me and that’s the place I want to live in, not this questioning-everything- based-on-circumstances place because that place makes a really big God who spared my life 7 years ago, very small and He’s not small at all, but I forget that when I look at my circumstances and start questioning.

So today I’m saying this……. just because my head is screwed up at the moment does NOT mean that my surgeon or God can’t be trusted…. they both absolutely can, it’s just a process I’m working through at the moment and I know that I’ll come out on the other side of this thankful in the end because God IS for my good and my surgeon is on my team!

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