Yesterday was my History and Physical appointment and it went smoothly, other than the PA telling me if I had active seizures they wouldn’t do bypass on me. That kinda freaked me out, even though I don’t have active seizures, I’ve had them in the past. One more thing to worry about? I’m going to try not to!
I feel like I am as prepared, this side of surgery as I can be. I still can’t completely wrap my brain around the fact that I will NEVER again sit down to a large meal…..EVER!! You know the meals, holidays with families where you eat a meat, carb, load up on sweets? Yep NEVER happening again… what am I getting myself into here? Oh my
So what have I been doing on these days leading up to surgery?
Eating clean and staying strict?
NOPE, not at all…….
I’ve been Indulging on the things I won’t have after surgery. Yes, donuts are right up there on that list, dark chocolate (my favorite), bread, all the things that I refuse and possibly can’t eat afterward. Some folks in the bariatric world call this a “food funeral” and perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing….sure, BUT something that I realize yesterday as I was partaking in gluttonous consumption of crap food. I feel awful eating them…..awful…..sugary, high gluten foods make me have migraines and even cause seizure auras in some cases. Sooooo all of that to say, is it really a bad thing that I can’t even taste these goodies again post op?
NOT AT ALL!!! So the responsible Angie, the one that I’m fighting to be, the one that says, “I deserve to eat crap food” is going to fight with all her might to never touch these foods again…..ever!!.
After all, this revision surgery is about HEALTH for me this time. I really want this new journey to be about more than the foods I’m missing out on etc. I think today I’m going to spend some time writing a letter to my future self about what I want out of this journey from today’s viewpoint. So that when I’m struggling, thinking I’m missing out on some magical way of life by NOT eating all the junk food I want. I can remember where I was at today!! Because today I want to follow the rules and NOT push up to the edge to see how far I can go. I want to lose weight to get off BP meds and acid reducing meds. I want to be able to run a 5K one day without my knees and hips hurting from carrying around extra weight. I want to LIVE without migraines and seizure auras, both of which will possibly be either eliminated or greatly reduced after this surgery and lifestyle change.
I am done listening to the “Negative Nancy” that lives in my brain, that plays the devil’s advocate on most days…..DONE listening to her. She’s not for my good…. nope.
She would like to see my destruction and I refuse to listen to her anymore. From this day forward!!
My grandma used to always say, “think positive Angie” and I fully intend to do that today and moving forward. Today I choose to believe that this next step, while it will look vastly different than the last 2 ½ years, is in fact the right move for me. I hope and pray that my motivation for working out returns quickly, or at least by the time I can drive and can get back to the gym. While I love my gym close by, because it’s well stocked with weight etc. I think I’m going to start driving back to the gym in Jackson, mostly because I miss the people, but also because I miss my alone time talking to God while I drive the 30 mins over there, but of course we’ll see where I land once I’m released to start working out again.
So you see, I have a lot of things to wrap my brain around. Some will just occur naturally like food portions because if I overfill this pouch the consequence is vomiting. I would imagine doing that once or twice will quickly change that behavior, or at least I would hope!! However, there is no way for me to be able to figure out that “full” limit until after the surgery. This journey forward is going to be about listening to my body and knowing when to stop eating and NOT pushing the limits. This journey forward will look vastly different in regards to exercise as I won’t have the energy, endurance and possibly even the motivation to work out in the gym for 2 hours a day. All of this to say, I’m trying desperately to wrap my mind fully around how this process looks sitting on the other side of the surgery. To say I’m not terrified would be a massive lie!! I am excited and somewhat ready for this, but I’m scared as well. Please pray for me as I move forward that I wouldn’t worry about all the things I can’t control, because I have a feeling it will be a lot of things!!