I wanted to take today’s blog post to try to redo my communication from yesterday’s blog post.
First I want to apologize to anyone, especially my bariatric friends whom I may have hurt by insinuating that you are hateful, that is NOT at all what I meant and if you took it that way I am deeply sorry. Yesterday was just a really bad day and I can explain and hopefully offer some insight today.
First of all, there is A LOT of stuff going on with me behind the scenes that you don’t know about. I may have alluded here and there to it, but I haven’t publically made any declaration about it because I myself am still trying to wrap my head around it all.
As most of you know, I travelled back to my neurologist last week. This was my yearly checkup. I have a VERY complicated brain history and I have stayed with my Missouri neurologist for the simple fact that it’s just to difficult to re-establish with a new neurologist who wants to run the same tests I’ve had done over the course of the last 15 years. So I just stay with my Missouri doctor. Anyway, one thing I don’t talk about much is that back in the early 2000s, before I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I started having seizures, during this time life was spinning out of control and epilepsy was a term being thrown around but so was
lots of medical terms….
epilepsy just got lost in the mix.
How I dealt with epilepsy at that time was took my medicines to prevent further seizures, stopped driving for 6 months, which meant I relied heavily on my mother-in-law to drive me to doctor appointments and had weekly blood draws to determine anti-convulsant levels in my blood.
Basically I just didn’t deal with it!! During those days I was just on auto-pilot.
Fast forward about 14 years and I’m back in a boat that I really wished I wasn’t in.
I’m back to square one, minus the brain tumor.
Today, I’m dealing with facing another surgery, granted not brain surgery, but I’m still scared and I just started randomly having these seizure auras that I had 15 years ago. It’s this weird sensations of déjà vu, only this time it’s followed by a panic feeling and numbness in my face and hands that lasts about 5 seconds. I had been brushing it off but mentioned it to my neurologist at my appointment. He was deeply concerned because not only am I having these auras that I used to have several years ago, I haven’t been on seizure meds for about 5 years (this is VERY dangerous apparently I’m learning), but more importantly what I just assumed was a panic attack is actually in his words “concerning when it’s followed by these seizures auras” sooooo all of this to say a couple of things about yesterday’s blog post.
- I am currently increasing my anti-seizure meds and I FEEL LIKE CRAP…. literal CRAP. I feel cranky and exhausted and just not myself, I feel sad and unhappy and I just want to find a hole to crawl into and cry. I’m not sure this is all a result of the medication as much as it is dealing with the realization that I am indeed a person with epilepsy AND I’m having major surgery in 15 days. I feel scared, sad, tired and unmotivated. I also don’t feel like I can adequately communicate what I’m thinking, now I do think this is a result of the medicine that I’m taking. So I apologize to anyone I hurt yesterday.
As for what I was trying to communicate yesterday, let me try to do that again now.
I have been having some major revelations as I look back over the last 2 years since the “sleeve” surgery I thought I had until now. I was a girl who walked into that surgery desperate for change, having enough knowledge of “how to eat right” and thankfully loved the gym so I was ready to lose weight and start living. I was desperate to see the scale move though. I was appalled and disgusted with myself. I was not a girl who had struggled with my weight my whole life so to watch the scale hit above 300 pounds at one point and feel like I had no control was just nerve wrecking. Some of that was my poor food choices and some of that was medicines I was on and some of that was just not dealing well with everything that was going on in my life. So to me, bariatric surgery was going to provide my way back to health, that was my original purpose in pursuing the whole process.
However, after the surgery I made the mistake of jumping onto Facebook boards where other sleevers were located and I started comparing myself with their progress and suddenly the girl I was in high school, this athletic, very competitive natured girl kicked in and this health journey became a competitive journey toward achieving a certain number on the scale. Suddenly health was put on the back burner and my sole purpose was to at least keep up with my cohort of sleevers. Little did I know I didn’t have an actual sleeve surgery so my weight loss wouldn’t progress along the same trajectory as theirs, although I wouldn’t learn this for almost 2 ½ years later.
So here I am 15 days out from my revision from this botched sleeve surgery facing another life altering surgery, the riskiest weight loss surgery available!! BUT I know in my gut this is the right surgery option for me, my thought is this…..If God is Sovereign, which I believe He most certainly is, then this day 15 days from now is no surprise to Him and the days beyond that are no surprise to Him. I’m praying that following this surgery that somehow my life will get exponentially better and not worse. It’s even possible that as a result of having this DS surgery I’ll just inevitably adopt a ketogenic lifestyle which has been known to prevent seizures, perhaps this is why I am supposed to have this surgery? Kill two birds with one stone? Who knows, but here’s what I do know…
This new journey for me will be about HEALTH
It will NOT be about the number on the scale anymore, sure I will be STOKED when the scale reads anything under 200 pounds and it will….one day and on that day, I will share, but beyond that I no longer plan to share my weekly or even monthly “Throwback Thursday” pictures or numbers publicly anymore….why?
Because it’s just not been a healthy process for me personally.
My goals for this new chapter of my life are to have a healthy blood pressure and be off as much blood pressure medication as possible, to see a resolution of as many of my PCOS symptoms as possible and to live an active lifestyle, now with this I’m not sure yet how that will look as I know it will not continue to look like my current gym/weight lifting rotation, because I’m sooooo burned out on it. I have some ideas of goals and things I want to do for the future, but I’m not ready to share them at this time…this will be a “stay tuned”
While I’m super-duper excited about this revision surgery and where my head is at with this next chapter of life, I’m also terrified to go through surgery again and to be dealing with the possibility of now having to label myself as an Epileptic. It’s going to take a while for me to really grasp all of this new information, so please bear with me as I am going up on new meds that I feel like crap on. Please know that my heart is to NEVER hurt or injure anyone’s feelings, EVER. I am so thankful for those of you who read my blog and have and continue to encourage me along this crazy life journey. Your friendship means more to me than you will ever fully understand!!