The Battle Between My Ears

I swear between the battle between my ears and worrying to much about what other people think of my choices, I struggle so much with what the right decision is.

So you all know that I’m leaning quite seriously toward revising my vertical sleeve toward bypass. This decision hasn’t come without some opposition and ironically not from the people I expected!

I’ll be honest, I expected to catch a lot of flak from my bio dad and my mom, but surprisingly they are either far enough away and disconnected enough that they are being supportive or they aren’t really telling me how they feel, I don’t know, but the person I’m catching the most flak from so far has been Jeff’s sister, whom I adore I might add. I know that she means well. That she is for me and not against me. I get all of that, but sometimes I just feel attacked and this past weekend was no exception.

She asked me why I was considering another surgery? This was a fair question, I think.

I told her my top reasons

  1. Acid Reflux, which in the long term can cause esophageal cancer—BIGGEST REASON
  2. Get off the BP medications
  3. Weight regain

She asked me what the two biggest complications are from having bypass and the truth from what I’m researching online are: ulcers and vitamin deficiencies

She seemed most concerned about the ulcers, which surprised me because I’m most terrified about the cancer. Her point was basically, how common is esophageal cancer vs an ulcer, which I guess in her mind an ulcer seems more common and more dangerous? I don’t know, but I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

It’s funny how something to one person may seem as “off the charts” may not seem like that big of a deal to you. I mean when I was 7 I had an ulcer and I don’t remember it being life shattering or anything. Now cancer that’s a whole different story. EVERY person I’ve met who has either had cancer or had it impact them in some way it’s DEVASTATED their life and truth be told I want NOTHING to do it with it!!

Anyway, I haven’t been able to shake the whole ulcer concern since she left. Because that’s what I do when someone plants a thought like this in my brain. I mull it over and over and over until I almost make myself sick. This is EXACTLY why I don’t need anyone’s two cents from Facebook world and even warned that I will delete you if you butt in, for this exact reason. Now my sister in law can get away with this because I know that she loves me and is concerned for me, that’s why she can do it but you can’t! get it?

 

So what I’ve found regarding ulcers after bypass is this:

Yes, they can be a complication but they aren’t an automatic thing, I’ll definitely be talking to my surgeon about this more, but I think it comes down to diet and what medications I’ll be taking. I know that I will be at a higher risk based on some migraine meds that I’ll be choosing to take on a limited basis, but again I ask myself does this risk outweigh the risk of possibly developing cancer? The answer for today is still YES

 

I’ll be honest. I don’t want to have another surgery. Nothing in me is pursuing this option is great abandon…..nothing. In fact, over the weekend I had a fleeting moment where I thought, “hey if I could just get back to 215, have no acid reflux I don’t think I would have surgery!!” and for a second I thought that was achievable because over the weekend I wasn’t excessively hungry (this has been due to taking Carafate four times a day, it cuts down the acid in my stomach, which an overproduction of acid makes you think you are hungry) so I wasn’t eating as much and my BP was dropping, which in the past has meant I have been losing weight. So I thought, “hmm maybe God is going to provide a way out for me?”

Then BAM yesterday hit……

I missed ONE dose of Carafate…. this was by accident

I felt like I could eat the entire kitchen and possible did L

Then I was up ALL NIGHT choking on acid, and trying not to vomit up acid from the reflux

Then to make matters worse, I jumped on the scale this morning because remember I was thinking my BP has been low, in fact I even decreased one of my meds yesterday. Anyway, I’m holding steady at 235, which means since my day of surgery on 2/3/14, I’ve only lost 62 pounds…..SIXTY TWO pounds, this is UNACCEPTABLE to me for bariatric surgery. So you couple that with acid reflux that is slowly killing me and you better believe that I’m no longer struggling with this decision to revise this sleeve to bypass. Of course I am still terrified. Of course, I have a million doubts and questions and I probably will up until and through surgery, but I have to TRY something to get myself out of this constant state of misery.

As of tomorrow I’m two weeks out from my EDG and I can’t wait, no more doubt, no more allowing people to play with my head of emotion. I am laser focused and I will continue to listen to God and if HE wants to stop this process I am going to trust He will!

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