Just to Clarify…..
I wanted to take today’s post to clear up some confusion I may have unintentionally caused with my last two posts.
In these posts I stated that I had been “borderline suicidal” or had felt suicidal etc. Let me explain exactly what I meant by those statements, but in order to do that accurately I must paint a picture of what was happening with my health at those times.
In the first post, I talked about having had a migraine for more than 60 plus days and begging my neurologist to put me in the hospital because “the pain was so bad I was at times suicidal”. What I meant by this was that I was in so much pain that IF I died from the pain or for any other reason I wouldn’t have cared because I was in sheer agony with no escape. What I did NOT mean was that I was actively suicidal, meaning I was thinking of ways to actually end my life or so depressed I needed to be put on medication or taken to a hospital. This was not what I was talking about here. The next time, I spoke of feeling suicidal was recently during this post I wrote entitled “The D Word.”
As a side note, as a result of my weight loss and complete 180 in how I eat, I no longer suffer from debilitating migraines like I once did. IF I get hit with a migraine it’s very mild in comparison to what they once were and it’s usually as a result of my menstrual cycle or lack of sleep. Anyway, I very recently had a massive flair up in what I thought was neuropathy pain, it was so bad I was up most of the night taking very strong meds like hydrocodone and Tylenol 3, now understand, I used to take strong meds like these all the stinking time, but haven’t lived on them in at least 2 years so this pain literally scared the poop out of me, couple that fear with pain and I was a mess and feeling like I described earlier, not actively suicidal but if I died would have been just fine with that…make sense?
Here’s where I want to tread very lightly, but as with everything I’m sure this will ruffle some feathers, but please bear with me and realize I’m only sharing my perspective on this subject…my heart’s desire is to encourage through my process so please read through to the end even if you’re mad while you read, thanks.
About 15 years ago, my pastor at the time preached a sermon and I remember him saying that suicide was a “selfish act” and I remember thinking to myself, “wow what an awful thing to say!! How could he say that? He’s a pastor!!” But that statement has stayed with me, hauntingly so, for fifteen years. Even as a social worker, studying about depression and suicide prevention etc. it stayed with me. I always thought I would never work in that vein of social work because I just didn’t want to have to deal with what I actually thought about the whole subject and I still wasn’t sure what I thought about my pastor’s stance on it either, so I left it alone.
I left it alone until I made those comments and I was approached by a handful of friends who have struggled with depression and suicide and reached out to me hence the reason for me treading lightly here and possibly ruffling feathers…eeek
Now trust me, I’ve been through it in my life. This isn’t to toot my own horn, it’s just to simply to say if anyone has had a reason to unplug from life and kill themselves, I would say a brain tumor, brain surgery, radiation, a massive stroke, a second brain bleed, ongoing painful migraines and ongoing random unknown pain would be a good reason to, would it not?
But at the end of the day, I guess it was true what my pastor said fifteen years ago, Suicide is a selfish act and here’s why…..
I have 2 beautiful children and what would that do to them if I just decided that I no longer wanted to fight to stay in their lives anymore?
That the pain was just too overwhelming, more so then what they meant to me?
What would that do to their futures? To their children’s futures?
Because if I claim to be a Christian after all, I need to at least think about what the Bible says, right? And this is pretty compelling.
You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, Exodus 20:5 New International Version (NIV)
So while my pain, at times, may be unbearable to the point of me not caring, if I live or die if I were to just take my own life to ease my misery, according to the above Scripture this act, this blatant disregard toward God or hatred toward God would stick with my children and my children’s children and on down to my great great grandchildren’s lives. That’s a long way down
All because I just couldn’t deal with my current situation?
Selfish? You decide
Suddenly I could see where my pastor was coming from
But is that really enough to keep me from ending my life when the pain gets really really bad? I mean, there are seriously days where I can barely get out of bed or I have to take so much medication that I sleep for 2 days straight and get up to use the bathroom and go right back to bed.
I would imagine this could be true for anyone, whether its physical pain like what I experience or emotional pain that depression can bring on.
Here’s what I know beyond a shadow of a doubt
There is this guy, his name is Jesus and he’s not just any ordinary guy. He’s this super amazing man, who walked on this earth in the form of a man BUT is actually God, the person who created YOU
But He’s not just God, he’s the KING the RULER of the entire universe and He actually sits on a throne in Heaven and watches over everything that happens in your life every single day. There is no one greater or more powerful than Him. He sees EVERYTHING. He feels EVERYTHING that you and I feel. I once heard a women’s speaker say all we have to do is say, “Jesus help” and the King of Kings gets off His throne and rushes to our side….can you imagine? The King of all things, rushing to your side?
You must believe it and embrace it.
Because just like there is a King of Kings there is a constantly prowling ravaging enemy whose sole purpose in this life is to destroy yours….period.
He has no other purpose.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10
Jesus has come to give you life, but not only life…FULL life. His desire is to see you happy. Enjoying life, but Angie how can I do that?
I don’t know for you, but I would ask you these questions if I were sitting down having tea with you.
What are you passionate about?
What do you think about from the time you go to bed until you get up in the morning?
If you don’t know then start asking God what He wants you to be passionate about. Maybe it’s a hobby? Maybe you love to cook? Bake? Maybe it’s a gift like encouraging your neighbor or talking on the phone, yes talking on the phone can be a gift, do you realize how many elderly people there are without family to look in on them? A lot, they need someone who cares.
Be someone’s inspiration.
Here’s what I’ve learned over the course of the last 15 years of being sick and then finding health in the last 2 years, it’s about being a fighter. It’s about finding a purpose that gets you out of bed in the morning and then fighting to make a way to get after what you enjoy doing. Whatever that may be.
For me, I love to work out. I LOVE to stick my earphones in my ears, blast music and lift heavy weights. I like to push my body, maybe because I’ve been at war with it for so many years, I don’t know, but I like the challenge. I like to zone out and just work in the gym. I love it.
I find peace there, comfort. It’s my zone and I will never go back to NOT being in the gym, it’s just no longer an option. But it’s taken me TWO years to get to this point, in those two years though, I fought to figure this out. So I encourage you, figure out your calling/gift and then make it front and center, be about it. Fight for it. Take your eyes off your pain, focus on the King of Kings and FIGHT…..
you got this!!