The D Word…….divorce

Divorce, it’s such an ugly word. It’s honestly such an ugly action as well. Lately it seems to be all around me. In fact, I just looked up an old friend on Facebook and found out they are divorced. Married people, I never thought would end up divorced, are and I just feel sad today. But I get it. I really get it.

 

Let me start from the beginning of my thought process with you so you understand where I’m going with this post today. I’m a kid who grew up in a divorced family. Jeff did not. We come from opposite sides of that spectrum. He’s a stick with it type of guy, because that’s what he experienced as a kid growing up. I experienced the opposite, the going gets tough, you bail or you’re bailed upon.

So it makes perfect sense with all the stress that’s been in our lives over the last few months, heck the last few years for the matter, that I just assumed at the height of yesterday’s frustration with my husband that our marriage would end in divorce. You see, he’s so stressed that I can’t even begin to describe it accurately enough here. Imagine if you will pouring every ounce of your being into a degree that ultimately pays off for about a solid minute only to be let go as you are settling into a new life? Yep, that’s where he’s at….punch to the gut….

Rug pulled out from under him….

Whichever saying you want to insert here would be appropriate.

My husband is hurting and I was too blinded by my own physical pain to see or care. So while that was all going on with him. I was over here, literally experiencing my own personal physical hell. These new pain symptoms brought on by a doctor’s appointment that not only had me in tears but had me borderline suicidal. All day Monday I was just in an attitude of pissed off.

Pissed off that our life had taken such a craptastic turn after working so hard for the last 6 years to get Jeff finished with school and into a job that he’s now laid off from and there’s no rehiring on the horizon, this new turn of physical pain that I thought had been put to rest years ago was now creeping back into my life in a new ferocious form of pain couple that with a husband who’s hurting and can’t emotionally care for me.

I was just done.

Done with everything.

Done with life.

Done with marriage.

D.O.N.E.

So in that moment, I totally understood how these friends of mine could call it quits. Marriage can totally and completely suck at times! I get it and on Monday it totally and completely sucked!!

But then

But then……

Tuesday rolled around and in the quiet dark silence of my 30 minute commute to the gym in the morning, I cried out to God, like literally cried out to God. “God save my marriage” but it was more than that….Jeff had said something very hurtful to me the night before, something about me being selfish, I honestly don’t know what the context was, but that’s the word that stuck because at the time I got all self-righteous  and atleast thought to myself “how dare he!!” doesn’t he know the kind of pain I’m in? Doesn’t he know the hell I’ve experienced the last 15 years with my health? “ he doesn’t know what it’s like to have a brain tumor or brain surgery, or to gain 150 lbs from steroids or to have a stroke….the nerve!!! In fact, I wasn’t sick until I married him, well what the heck?!! How dare he?!!! On and on it went in my mind…ugliness at its purest form.

Justified?  I certainly thought so

 

Appropriate?  If I claim to be a Christian? NO, I mean who am I to say any of this when Jesus literally experienced way more pain in His physical body than I will EVER experience on this earth, who am I? doesn’t mean my pain isn’t real and doesn’t hurt like hell or even scare me to death, but what it does me, is that I know a personal God who has experienced far greater pain than me and He will walk along side of me in my agony. So isn’t that better anyway?

Divisive?

Absolutely!!

See this is the number one trick of the enemy in marriage. To throw our “rights” in our face and be the biggest cheerleader for them. In fact, he does such a good job at depending our rights that he got me so enraged so furious that for a fleeting moment divorce was on my radar, what in the world? Divorce? That ugly word? That ugly action? NO! But it was there. Because I felt hurt. Abandoned. Uncared for by a sinner who can’t take care of me anyway!!! BUT I forget in the heat of the moment, when my rights are shoved in my face….see how good he is?

So cry out to God I did, but I found myself saying, “God here’s what hurt……. when Jeff called me selfish, that really hurt but if there’s some truth to it, show me, because You are the only one who can” If there is one thing I’ve learned well in 15 years of marriage, I’m VERY stubborn and Jeff or anyone for that matter can point out an area of weakness, but if God isn’t putting His finger on it at that time, I snub my nose at them and go on bout my business. So if Jeff was spot on, I needed God to show me, but more than that, I needed God to not only show me, but to cause me to look at Jeff with a wildfire, abandoned love because I’ll be honest, I hadn’t been feeling it much lately.

Then I got home from the gym, oh didn’t I mention this prayer time required the drive to and from the gym and even a little time at home interacting with Jeff, which at this point nothing miraculous had occurred, but by the time I got home from picking up our kids…..so several hours later, I had stayed in this constant attitude of prayer “Lord melt my heart toward my husband and if I need to make the first step show me how to do that”

Then I walked in the door from picking up my kids and lo and behold my husband is standing in the kitchen, in the one shirt I find him the most sexy in, don’t ask me why it’s just a plain dark t-shirt, in an apron, cooking dinner. My heart swelled.  I put down my purse and rushed over to hug him. I embraced him and felt all of my anger and resentment fade away. I can’t speak for him, but it’s exactly what I needed in that moment and suddenly all of the problems, the concept of divorce all of it seemed like light years away. You see I married a man who sticks. He’s committed, even when I’m selfish. I just couldn’t see it because God hadn’t put a finger on it yet, but He has now, so I’m trying to be more sensitive in this very difficult time. Will I be perfect at it? Heavens no!

Will our marriage be wonderful from here on out? Heck no! Will we still struggle? Fight? I’m sure

But what I’ve learned and continue to learn is that sometimes the problem isn’t with your spouse, sometimes you need to look in the mirror and let God put His finger on whatever sin is in your heart that is causing a massive chasm between you and your spouse because it’s those chasms that lead to divorce.

 

Here’s to a Chasm Free Marriage!!

2 thoughts on “The D Word…….divorce

  1. Angie, this is poignant to where and what I’m feeling. I had no idea that you were once suicidal. I have been there. Matter of fact, I’ve been hospitalized for it like 3-4 x’s. This blog really spoke to my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I will pray for you and your marriage. “What God has put together, let no man put asunder”….

    Like

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