As I sit here trapped inside from this year’s SNOWMAGGEDON 2016, I thought I would jot down some of my current thoughts on my weight loss journey and where I’m at.
I’m officially out of the “honeymoon” period it would seem, which is such a bummer. I’m having a hard time letting that one go.
In the bariatric world, the “honeymoon” period is the time when weight just melts off of you. Literally one minute you are one weight and the next day you get on the scale and you’ve lost 10 pounds, it’s the weirdest, coolest most bizarre, unrealistic thing I’ve ever encountered in my life. Granted you’ve chopped up your guts to achieve such success, but still, it’s this amazing phenomenon.
Looking back now, I wish I would have embraced and even celebrated those milestones a little more victoriously, but I didn’t, I just expected it, after all, I was a bariatric patient and this was supposed to happen, right? I was so pompous. I was also, too busy comparing my stats, if you will, with everyone else’s worrying that I wasn’t achieving and losing fast enough. My goodness back then I was driving myself literally nuts, I was a basket case ALL THE TIME!!! It was nuts, absolutely nuts.
Of course, hindsight is always 20/20.
Now that I’ve regained back up to 235, I look back and wish NOW that I would have walked a little slower and realized that I was doing awesome at the time. That my journey was moving along great that comparing myself to someone who started at a heavier weight was really just stupid, that I’m really just my own unique version of me. There is no one else like me on this planet and I should have taken a big victory lap in that, but I didn’t.
Instead, I almost punished myself for not ever weighing less than 200 pounds that somehow this meant that I was a failure, when in reality my surgeon NEVER said I would attain this goal with the sleeve. But I had been looking at all these people on Facebook who had lost gobs of weight with the sleeve and just knew I could to, there’s that comparison thing again. It was just all this pressure I had put on myself because I had done this wicked comparison game looking at other bariatric people who had lost more than me and were seemingly doing less than me, less exercise etc. However, I wasn’t taking into consideration their starting weight, age etc. Looking back now, I realize it was a stupid game I was trapped in. I guess it took me until now to realize what I had been doing to myself and I’m here to say it ends NOW.
How did I get to this point of ending this vicious cycle you ask? Let me share my “ah ha” moment with you
It happened yesterday. We are snowed in, which means, I’m bored. Which means, I have A LOT of time to think. Thinking can be my best friend or my worst enemy. Anyway, I was standing in my bathroom mirror in my pjs yesterday and the thought struck me. Yes I’m 235 pounds. No it’s not where I want to be, BUT I’m NOT 250 pounds “So take great joy in that fact Angie you are 235, NOW realize however you are only 15 pounds away from 250 so your nutrition still needs to be on point, you still need to fight to win at this weight loss battle, but for right now take pride in the fact that you are no longer 315 pounds, you have lost 80 pounds!!!”
It took that moment and my neurology appointment at the Cleveland Clinic and rehashing my life story over the last 15 years and you know what? I’ve been through a hell of a battle. I mean seriously. I don’t like to pull that card, but sitting in that neurologist office giving him a detailed account and then finally realizing that this hellish pain that I’ve been experiencing for several years, just assuming it was one thing but finding out it was from this one brain bleed that occurred after my big brain bleed that almost killed me (the irony of this is that the second brain bleed I almost forget to tell people about because I wasn’t rushed to the hospital, it caused some facial numbness at the time but by the time I had a Cat Scan several hours later the bleeding had stopped, this was the bleed that ended my graduate school career, but I don’t think of it as a ‘big” bleed) it was this bleed that is wreaking havoc on the pain centers in my brain because the bleed occurred in the thalamus, which is so ironic to me.
All in all it was good to look back for a minute to realize that I need to take pride in the work I’ve done up until this point. I’ve learned a lot about nutrition and exercise, something that wouldn’t have happened had I not had bariatric surgery. Bariatric surgery was the spring board, in my mind, to put these two key principals into practice in my life and now that I have I love them!! Looking back has shown me that I need to lay off myself and take great joy in the accomplishments I’ve achieved up to this point. At this point, I’ve lost EIGHTY POUNDS. You will no longer hear me say, “ya but I had lost 108 at one point etc etc” NO MORE… I’ve lost 80 frigging pounds, that’s a lot of weight, that’s more than my 10 year old son weighs. I’m proud of that achievement. I would like to lose 20 more to place me at 215. You will no longer hear me say my “goal weight” is somewhere out of the 200s. This is because the silly app TimeHop showed me a picture of myself weighing 216 last year and I’ll be honest, I was blown away at how small I looked. I’ve shared this picture on this post today for two reasons, primarily because at the time this picture was taken I couldn’t “see” myself, see how good I looked or how small I looked. I think this is an appropriate weight for me. In this picture I weigh 216, not even 100lbs lost from my heaviest weight, not even in the 100s, but I think I look pretty darn good. I couldn’t see it them because my glasses were focused on the wrong things back then, but today I can say that at this weight I would be very happy. New goal? Absolutely!! No more trying to get under 100 lbs from this girl. 216 puts me at 99lbs lost, puts me eligible for plastic surgery, makes me happy, but scares the crap out of me that I won’t be able to get back to as weight loss now is creeping along at about a point 6 on the week. Definitely out of the honeymoon period! BUT not giving up. I will not gain back up to 250 or even 315 for that matter, but I can see how for some like me who’ve never reached their unrealistic goals may just throw in the towel say screw it and start eating the kitchen, I totally get it, but I won’t be that causality.
No today I’m thankful that I’ve lost 80 pounds and that God has intervened and given me a big dose of humble to get me on the right path toward losing more weight……here’s to 216….full steam ahead!!