Just Over Here Pondering Life

It’s Saturday and as I sit here waiting until 7:30 to leave for my gym which doesn’t open until 8 today, I’m feeling a little discouraged. I’m not really sure why exactly other than I feel like maybe I don’t have what it takes to get this weight off?

I mean come on…….

I had bariatric surgery.

I managed to lose 108 pounds in the first year and a half, but then I gained 21 pounds back with a little life shift?

This is not good.

Today I’m plagued with feeling like a failure.

I mean I bust my ass every day in the gym……………………..EVERY DAY.

I’m hungry…………… all the freaking time!!

So much so that I had forgotten how hungry I was in the first year following surgery.

To which Jeff says to me yesterday, “it’s in the hunger where the weight loss happens baby!” Says the guys who’s only gained 35 pounds in FIFTEEN years of marriage!!!!

But is he right?

Do I need to be perpetually hungry in order to get to my goal weight?

Maybe….

Do I have what it takes?

Am I willing to feel hungry in order to look and feel good in my own skin?

These are the questions that are plaguing me this morning as I wait to drive the 30 miles to my gym.

At the end of the day I know that I have the dedication to the gym to get things accomplished, but what about to my nutrition too? I hate food, I really do. I wish I could just drink all my meals and be done with it, but I can’t because I’ve tried and it does nothing in my body. Literally nothing. So that’s out. It’s taxing trying to figure out what exactly to eat and when, then figuring out when to meal prep and have things prepared and ready by etc. It’s just a huge pain in the butt, BUT if I don’t have meals ready to eat then I grab crap and this also doesn’t work for me eiter. So I’m stuck in this conundrum of a place where my head is telling me I want to be back to at least 100 pounds lost from my highest weight (215) but my heart is lagging behind a bit.

Then on Thursday, I started my day off with scrambled eggs which isn’t unusual by any means, but I threw a tablespoon of salsa on the eggs, because after a while they get really gross, which again is no biggie. BUT that evening I made a tomato based vegetable beef barley soup and ate a bowl with my family, again no biggie right? WRONG, this apparently created the perfect storm because I was up most of the night with the most intense GERD known to man, then ALL day yesterday I had to baby my stomach because I was still struggling with it all. So after about 20 tums and my already double dose of protonix I got to thinking, “maybe I had the wrong surgery?” Then this thought started to plague me…..argh, I swear my brain can be my arch nemesis at times.

You see I never really looked at the bypass for two reasons.

  1. Because of my mom
  2. Because the thought of re-routing organs kind of freaks me out (again see #1)

So because of these two reasons I didn’t let my surgeon even explain them to me at all and since she was soooo anti me using and form of NSAIDS with any surgery I didn’t learn until switching surgeons that I can actually use them (which I only do on occasion) with the sleeve. So this leads me down the rabbit trail of….”what else don’t I know?” My original surgeon wanted to do bypass on me because of the amount of weight I needed to lose, but out of fear, I wouldn’t even listen to her. So here I sit almost 2 years later saying to you, that I wish now, after fighting as hard as I have for the weight loss I’ve had and now dealing with the gain I’ve experienced. I wish I would have chosen differently. My husband is absolutely against me even exploring the option of having a revision surgery, my deal with him is that IF once I’m five years post op from my sleeve surgery I haven’t reached 197 (this is 100lbs from day of surgery weight) then I will explore a revision, but I’ll be honest I don’t even know if it would work?

As I sit here in the quiet, dark moments of the morning waiting to leave for the gym pondering the moment of life, I wonder if a revision could work for me.

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