The thought struck me yesterday while I was packing, “what was I doing in Rolla?” It’s funny how I felt so obsessed about my weight there and numbers and yes my focus at that time was seemingly very unhealthy. I had an unrealistic desire to get to 157 and I was hell bent on getting there. I wouldn’t have entertained anyone telling me any differently. So I plugged away toward my goal, piecing together as best as I knew how workouts, nutrition etc. and I was losing, but because I was SO incredibly focused on a certain number, I wasn’t enjoying the process at all because all I could see was failure. Failure for not losing fast enough, or reaching goals/milestones as quick as others. And in the process, I was begging God, pleading really to allow my body to lose weight. Realizing that since He controls everything, surely He could control my body into losing weight. So I seriously would pray daily before going to the gym, “Lord would you cause my body to lose weight?” Yes I know……sick, but it’s where I was at and I just want to be real with you. I got lost in very ritualistic behavior, even taking things that were said to me whether it be by my husband or random Facebook people to heart and then thinking that somehow it would have an impact on my weight loss. I was mentally a very sick girl. All the while though still losing weight but NOT appreciating the process at all. I just remember living in Rolla thinking that “once I get to Houston, I can start working with a nutritionist and that will be the key to unlock the rest of my weight loss, that will be what I need to push me over the edge and out of the 200s”
Well guess what?
Life got cray cray
I gained (which was actually a blessing in disguise, but more on than in a minute)
I started lifting heavy again (which I love btw)
I changed my cardio (less time, not as intense)
My beloved grandma, who was my absolute best friend died
Crazy family drama
Husband lost his job
Life just got really hard……period
I started working with that nutrionist and yes she is amazing and she did definitely give me some ideas to spice up my nutrition, but I was already doing, in Rolla, what she wanted me to continue doing to get to my weight loss goals. I had to stop working with her though due to my husband’s job loss, but I have an amazing cookbook from her services that I will continue to use. I probably won’t use her portions however as they aren’t really bariatric friendly, but that’s ok, this is my journey and I’m finding my way again and I most certainly will!! But back to that 157 number. Well that was my original thought when I went in for my bariatric consult in 2013 even though my surgeon NEVER led me to believe with the sleeve I could get to that number. Then, over time that number changed to 180 it’s slowly creeping up as of today, which leads me to how this post was even derived. I was packing yesterday. I was looking through pictures of myself from Rolla when I got to my lowest weight of 207 and thinking about a conversation I had with an old high school friend on Facebook and she said, “Angie do you think you are at your goal weight?” and I was floored because I’m currently sitting at 229 and I know this is NOT my goal weight because my body has gotten lower than this, but this conversation got me to reevaluating once again and today it all kind of clicked. I was perfectly happy with my body at 211. I was comfortably wearing a size 10 jean and a large top and I’ll be honest I’m perfectly happy with those numbers. I wasn’t at the time, but as of today sitting at 229 and in between a 12/14, I’d take a 10 again any day.
So it’s kind of all hitting me here at once, maybe it’s because we are moving back to the Midwest and that’s where I feel the most “at home” I don’t know, or maybe it’s just God putting His finger on some serious truths for me, I don’t know, but here’s what I do know for today
- I love lifting weights, I won’t be taking a break from them again. Sure I know that I probably won’t get under 200 pounds doing this, but guess what? I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!!!! I seriously don’t care anymore. I would prefer to look smaller, feel stronger, wear smaller sizes than to be skinny and see a certain number on the scale. I just wish I would have realized this 2 months ago when I was killing myself doing cardio and NOT lifting weights and eating nothing….UGH, live and learn I guess!!
- God IS in control of my life, which means He is in control of my body, but I DON’T need to pray some ritualistic prayer to get Him to move and cause my body to lose weight. This is just stupid. I can ask for His mercy in my life and ask Him to give me self-control in my eating and ambition in my workouts and I believe He will allow the fruits of those efforts to shine through weight loss. I lost sight of Him since moving Texas. I placed to much stock in working with a nutritionist, as if this might somehow be the magic solution I needed to get me out of the 200s, when In reality. I just needed to stop and hear from the Lord and allow Him to show me the deeper things in this walk, like HEALTH, COMMITMENT, BEING ACTIVE, BEING A GOOD ROLE MODEL….since we’ve moved to Texas my daughter has been committed to eating healthy and working out with me and she’s lost over 20 pounds in 2 months. All of this is glory to God. He is using me, even though I’ve gained weight and fallen off the wagon and to Him, I give all of praise!! I could NOT do any of this journey without Him and I feel so much thankfulness that He’s set my feet upon this incredible path!!
So I guess all of this to say, I feel like I’m slowly getting back to “Angie” the real me, the girl I was in Rolla, only less obsessed about a number on the scale and getting to said number in a certain time frame. I guess you could say, I’m a new and improved version of myself J I feel like knowing that God is for me, He’s for my health, improvement and He’ll allow me to be an inspiration, I’m finding the missing link when it’s all said and done and I FINALLY feel completely content, confident and at peace with all of it…..now to get back to the business of losing……stay tuned.