Life is super duper crazy at the current moment, but when isn’t it, right? It seems like this is just an ongoing topic of blog posts, my crazy life….ugh. I don’t know if my life will ever settle or become less crazy. In fact, I don’t even know if I would know how to deal with a “normal” life and today as I was driving home from the gym the thought struck me, “I’m going to choose to be ok with all of it” all of it!!
If there is one thing I have learned during our little hiatus here in Texas is that life most definitely does NOT go according to my plan…at all….no sirreee bob!!!
So today as I was driving home, in the quiet moments I was thinking/talking to God, whatever you want to call it. I thought how ironic it all seems. My life is about to take a massive U-turn, like super massive, like we are moving in with our parents with no plan at this point…..none,,,,, with tons of questions looming: will Jeff get another petroleum job? Probably not so t hen what will he do? Will he go back into construction? Oh God please no, well if he doesn’t do that, what will he do? Manage a McDonald’s in Ohio? Will the go back to school and work on that Master’s degree that he wants nothing to do with? And is he does that? Where will our kids go to school? Would we go back to Rolla? How would that work? OMG!!! See too many questions for even this over planner to take in
Soooooo as I was driving home I had this massive revelation.
Side note Fact: I’m facing my monthly weigh in on Monday and now normally a weigh in, coupled with all the sheer craziness, would have me absolutely panicked and fearing the scale, because if you remember the scale…. Food… is the one thing I can control.
So today’s massive revelation
I can’t control or predict the future and that’s ok, today I will choose to be ok with the fact that I don’t know what the future holds but we are moving to Ohio in 8 days and in that move we get to move in with beautifully loving amazingly kind people, what a blessing!! In that move, my kids will get to go to a Christian school, something we’ve wanted for them since we left Columbia many years ago. In that move, we can breathe for a minute and not have to worry about looming rent and figure out our next steps. It all doesn’t need to be figured out before we move. “It’s ok Angie” This lack of plan somehow brings a peace that I’ve never known and is all new, but very beautiful.
Then I had a second massive revelation which comes on the coattails of a previous blog about being a bariatric patient and embracing that truth. My surgeon originally said to expect my sleeve to get me to 222 with the sleeve. I’ll be honest, I poo poo’d her off thinking, “I’ll do way better than that!!” “she doesn’t know me, I’ve seen all these people on FB lose tons of weight with the sleeve and that’ll be me” blah blah blah. And yes, in my first year, I got down to 207, killing myself, eating bland, then switching to some stupid diet plan and then I got burnt out, moved to TX, grandma died, had sister drama and life got hard with my husband losing his job and all the unknown and yes I gained back up to 240, it wasn’t pretty and it scared the CRAP out of me!!! So I’ll be honest, it was a blessing in disguise because it showed me a few things. It showed me that when I let my guard down even slightly, I gain weight…period. When I stop exercising and eating like crap, I gain weight…period. I’m not, nor will I ever be a girl who can get away with cheating mindlessly ever. My body, my health will pay the price. I
Learned that lesson the hard way. So since September I’ve been working on getting this extra weight off and I realized that while yes I would love to get under 200 pounds, maybe I just need to be happy and thankful to get to what my sleeve can get me to, which is 222. So as of my last weigh in, I was sitting at 229, so we’ll see what Monday brings. Logically, there is NO reason why I shouldn’t have dropped 4lbs in a month, none. I’m eating few calories (I DO NOT want to hear from people who think this is bad/wrong/whatever, your opinion is not welcome at this time, thank you very much!)
So where I’m at with my weight is this…..
IF I ever get under 200, great, but that’s no longer my ultimate focus. I’m no longer so willing to focus on that, that it becomes an obsession and I stop living my life. For the time being what I’m doing seems to be working and for now I can live with that. Will that change when we get to Ohio? I don’t know, maybe? Maybe not, I just don’t know but guess what…..that’s ok that I don’t know.
In my current moment, I’m focused on the fact that I’ve lost 86 pounds. EIGHTY SIX, that’s a lot of weight!!! Yes there are others who have lost more and there are others who have lost less, but for me, I’m pretty dang proud of myself.
In this current moment, I’m focused on the fact that for over a year I HATED cardio….beyond hated, despised it!! And today I’m getting up six days a week and focusing solely on cardio, which is not only ironic, but kinda comical, if you ask me, but in this current moment, it’s where I’m at and I’m thankful. I’ve had two different bariatric surgeons tell me to focus on cardio, plus a nutritionist, so guess what I’m getting out of my own way and doing it!! I may have messed up my “honeymoon phase” of WLS, but I’ll be darned if I’m messing up the rest of this walk!!
So I’m taking hold of the present and screaming from the top of my lungs, these moments are beautiful!!