So I was fully intending to vent my frustration of getting on the scale this morning and not losing one ounce after 11 days, I was so frustrated with this situation that it was, of course, all I could focus on this morning at the gym, that and my rotten mood as a result. Then I came home to a sink full of dirty dishes, my number one pet peeve. It’s our daughter’s job to do dishes, we have a dishwasher for goodness sakes!! but typically she leaves the evening dishes and does all of them, plus morning dishes after she eats at 8am. Well by this point, I’ve been up for 4 plus hours, staring at this nightmare and today it just pushed me over the edge. I was already in a fragile state with having not lost any weight and then pile the mountain of dirty dishes on top of it. I had a fleeting moment where all I wanted to do was scream and pitch a fit, but I decided against it. Not because I didn’t WANT To have a hissy fit, but because she’s 13 and I feel like our relationship is already on thin ice most days, so I loaded the dishwasher and went back to, my room fully intending to hop in the shower. Because at this point, I’m a sweaty mess from the gym. Now keep in mind it’s SATURDAY at about 6:45am, my husband is awake and about to get in the shower. He must have sensed my mood because he let me get in before him….whew, major crisis averted! Remember I’m on the verge of losing my grip.
While in the shower, I start having a conversation with myself, “Angie you need to stop, figure out what you need and go with it”
I determine what I need is to get out of my house ASAP. So I get out of the shower and tell my husband, “honey, I’m super grouchy, I need to go sit at Starbucks this morning for a couple of hours and work on my counseling homework, meal plan for next week and figure out where we are going to church tomorrow”, he says, “yes you do need to go” HAHA, this man knows that while I LOVE being around people and especially our family, when I get in this head space, I need to go sit at Starbucks, put my headphones on, listen to classical music and write…………somedays this is all that keeps me sane. This and green tea of course.
Life just really sucks right now. I feel sad today. Sad that I’ve gained weight in the last 6 months, sad that life hasn’t worked out the way that I had hoped, or planned for it to. Sad that my son may be struggling with a learning disability. Sad that my daughter seems sad to be here. Sad that my husband’s hard work was just pooped on by what we assumed was a stable company to go with. Sad that God seems a billion miles away. Sad that people in Texas, so far, don’t really seem to give a crap about relationships. Just sad.
Then I came home from the gym to find a meme on my Facebook from a sweet friend and it got me to thinking…..I need to reframe my thinking about things and shift my focus to different things. So know that I am struggling today and this will be hard, but I have to try or depression and sadness will swallow me whole.
The meme reads:
MY To-Do-List for Today:
- BE GRATEFUL
Here’s what I am grateful for today
- Healthy kids
- Dental insurance through the end of October, I’m soooo thankful that Jeff went in to have a cleaning because this dentist found a “strange” spot on Jeff’s jawbone and immediately referred him out to an oral surgeon whom thankfully got Jeff in and said it appears to be either a benign cyst or tumor and he won’t know until he cuts into the bone and removes it. Jeff told this doctor, “look I only have insurance through the end of October” so this doctor made space in his booked schedule to get him in on Oct. 23. The doctor said, had Jeff waited he could have bitten down into something as simple as an apple and broken his jaw. So it’s serious. Had we not moved to Texas ,and Jeff taking a job with ConocoPhillips and now being laid off which has given him t time to get into a dentist and then next week a primary care doctor, we may have missed this medical need. In fact, the oral surgeon told Jeff it was a “really good catch” on behalf of the dentist, that most would not have noticed it on the Xray” So I feel blessed and extremely grateful. That we caught this early and will have it taken care of now.
- I’m grateful that Caleb is in such an incredible public school. As you know schooling our kids has been an ongoing issue. They’ve gone from private to public to homeschool to now my son is in public and my daughter is homeschooled. Anyway, Caleb needs the structure and routine of an actual classroom teacher. Katy schools are beyond incredible. I’ve known that Caleb has had some gaps in his reading. In fact, he was identified in 3rd grade, FINALLY, in a private school in Rolla Missouri. So since he’s been back in public this year for 5th grade, I’ve been in constant communication with is teacher. We just had his parent/teacher conference yesterday. She had great things to say about him, “he’s a bright boy, very sweet, kind to others etc” But she too has noticed some gaps in his reading and believes this is why he struggles in other subjects. She wants to have him tested for dyslexia. Something I’ll be honest, I’ve wondered if he deals with. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to have someone else put into words, my fears and concerns for my son. So I am grateful because had we NOT moved to Texas, Caleb may have continued to struggle and lose more ground in school without someone stopping and saying “hey wait a minute, this a smart kid, what’s going on?”
- BE KIND
Yes I can be kind to other people, but I struggle so much with being kind to myself. That’s all I really have to say about this, that and I will try to be more kind to myself and realize that life really sucks right now and I am staying committed to exercise and most days eating healthy. So excuse me a moment, while I talk to myself J
“Angie, you are doing great!, you get up every morning at 4:25am and get into the gym for an hour of cardio? Who does that? Someone who is committed to achieving health. Is health about the number on the scale? NO IT IS NOT!! So what if you never get under 200 lbs look how far you’ve come? You’ve gone from a girl who lived on migraines medications, could barely get out of bed more days out of the month than not. You NEVER cleaned or cooked or ran kids around. You are doing all of that now! Give yourself some credit here…You’ ve gone from a very sick woman to a healthy thriving woman.You are becoming the woman you’ve always wanted to be…..a stay at home mom who is in charge of running a household, a soccer mom. You are doing it!! So quit beating yourself up and remember you are a strong, fierce chick!! You are healthy, you will achieve your weight loss goals because you are consistent!
- Let Go of what I can’t control or change
Yeah so I suck at this so much!! I like my little false contentment that I’m in control somehow and that life makes sense most days, but if I’m honest, I’m so far from in control it’s not funny. I feel like I’m succeeding at little more at this area. You see when Jeff was laid off in 2005 I panicked and started researching like crazy to get him a job. I can say this time, I’ve only spent maybe an hour looking at jobs for him and realized that this is a tedious task that isn’t mine to take charge of. My husband is a hard worker, he’s not a lazy bum who’ll just live off unemployment. I know that he’ll get this figured out and for the first time EVER, I can honestly say I have peace about his. Now granted when he suggested we move to Costa Rica and live there I freaked out, but I realize that’s just Jeff being Jeff. He doesn’t really mean let’s move there, he just likes the idea of living off the land, in a tropical destination. At the end of the day, I know my husband will work again. I know that he’ll do whatever is necessary to take care of us. I must realize that he’s just sad and slightly depressed and that’s ok. I don’t have to make the situation ok anymore. It’s not my job.
- Listen to my Intuition:
So as much as I hate the idea, thought and follow through, I need to get back to a calorie deficit and really start to track my intake. I’ve been like a temper tantrum throwing toddler not wanting to go back to calorie counting, but if I’m really honest with myself, this was the only time in the last year and a half that the scale was moving. Yes I’m tempted to do all sorts of crazy things like a liquid diet “reset” what most bariatric people call a “pouch test” and while I’m not against it, it’s not something I want to do. I want the old tried and true way of weight loss to work. Less calories in and more calories out to work for me! Darn it! I hate the scale so much and my intuition is telling me to only weigh once a month starting in November, so I’m going to adopt a low calorie, low sugar, high protein diet once again, continue to work out (cardio only at this point) and see where we are in the end. At the VERY least I want to get back to 215, 107 would be ideal, so let’s see.
- Be Productive but Calm:
I think this is going to be me working through my ongoing issues with a counselor. Also realizing that I need to be mindful of being at peace, something I’m not good at, but recognize I need to get better at, I think my ability to recognize today that I needed to get out of my house and away from the stress and into a place where I find peace is a BIG step for me. So I’m proud of myself today for recognizing my need for space.
Nothing more to say here other than I need to focus more on the positive than the negative. This, in and of itself, is a major homework assignment as I tend to be a pessimist and easily see the negative. I commit to trying harder here. I can’t guarantee I’ll never blog my frustrations, but I will really try to focus on the good vs. the bad. I MUST remember this is a slow and steady process. You didn’t gain 150 lbs overnight. It came from years of abusing your body. So this weight isn’t going to magically melt off. Quit looking at everyone else and realize that God has made you uniquely you and He will show you the path.
Oh yeah and I fully intend to enjoy the rest of today! I am going to watch the Michigan/Michigan State game with my husband and if you follow me on Facebook you know that I enjoy college football about as much as I enjoy scrubbing toliets, HAHA, but my husband enjoys college football and I enjoy my husband, plus it’s not to bad when the new coach for Michigan is a hottie. So I’ll be breathing as I watch this game with my husband and I fully intend to breathe, be calm and productive.
OK today’s To Do List, I accept the challenge, game on!