My heart’s position tonight

Well it’s been an interesting 24 hours. I’ve gone from some resemblance of routine and structure to a complete annihilation of the illusion of control I thought I had. You see, Jeff started working for ConocoPhillips on June 9, 2015 and by June 19, 2015 the company held a corporate wide meeting saying that “significant layoffs” were coming. Of course, that’s what immediately ended our house search (I wasn’t able to say anything then, but I can now). I was hopeful that Jeff wouldn’t get laid off, I mean why would he? There were higher ups that made twice what he did, surely CP would get rid of those positions, IF they were truly trying to cut costs, the reason they said the layoffs were coming. Anyway, I was hopeful that God had brought us to Texas, that He provided a way and a route for Jeff to get his degree in petroleum engineering (Missouri has ONE of only FOURTEEN colleges that offers a petroleum engineering degree) so SURELY God wouldn’t bring us through the last EIGHT years, for NOTHING? Right? Well at the moment, it sure seems like the last eight years were for nothing. I just said to Jeff, “can I get the last 8 years of my life back now please?” The irony in all of this situation is that I am by heart a Midwestern girl. I realize this now more about myself now, living in the Southwest, and can honestly say I wouldn’t be heartbroken if we moved out of this state. We just haven’t found our niche here and I know a lot of people have said that perhaps this was God showing us Texas wasn’t suppose  to be our long term home. Yeah I don’t know about all of this at the moment, I’ll keep you posted.

In the meantime, here’s what I DO know……WOW, NONE of us is in control of our lives. To think we are is really just a grand delusion and I’m the first one to admit that I LOVE the illusion of control that I thought I had, but guess what, I sure DO NOT have any control. If I did, my husband would still be employed and happily working for a supervisor who was a decent guy. We would have a house and I would easily and happily weigh 150lbs, but yeah none of that is happening. What I can control is my fight. My fight to wake up everyday and fight my desire to crawl back into bed with a pint of the worst/best ice cream and cry and wallow in this crappy situation. I will fight every day to see God’s sovereignty somehow in the present, even though everything in me what’s to be mad at Him and question all of this craziness. I will fight every day to NOT eat my emotions and gain and gain, rather I will choose to take the tools I’ve learned through this crazy weight loss journey, through working with a fabulous nutritionist for the last 3 months and move forward.

And finally, I will fight every day to realize that I am NOT nor will I ever be in control of my life, that only God, the creator of the heavens and earth allows me to have breath in my lungs.

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