Maybe I Can’t Have It All?

So I’m coming to the realization that perhaps I can’t have it all. What do I mean? Well I don’t think I can exercise 6 days a week, eat close to 2,000 calories, build muscle and lose weight. Granted I haven’t been on a scale in months and I know I weigh more than I would like, mostly due to weight gain from the last month, but also because I’m adding muscle. Remember muscle weighs more than fat. So I’m torn. I would be happy at 180-190 (this is a HUGE stretch from my original goal of 157) with lean muscle and wearing a size 10 comfortably. BUT I feel like I eat a ton of calories and I’m second guessing if this is the way to get to my goals, but then I stop and ask myself, “what are my goals?” And this question baffles me greatly!! I just want to weigh under 200 lbs and I feel so close, not sure how many pounds away I am. My bariatric surgeon said I would be fortunate to get to an maintain 222 with the surgery and I was 207 (the smallest I’ve been since surgery) when I was counting calories in Missouri. So do I go back to that way of life? Do I want to go back? I honestly don’t know. I like working with my nutritionist because she takes my measurements, it gives me food accountability (I journal daily what I eat so she can see) But what is the right way for me? OMG I just don’t know????? I feel lost and confused and I don’t like feeling this way at all!!

I will say, I’m starting to slowly get my fitness level back since all the crazy travelling to Michigan over the last month. Why, you ask?

So I do HIIT 3 days a week and I  noticed today that it didn’t take my heart rate as long to rebound, then after 30 mins of HIIT, I do steady state cardio, with steady state cardio, I know what my heart rate zone is and for the 15 mins I was walking on the treadmill, my heart rate dropped out of the range so I had to run to get it into the zone. I was pretty impressed by this because I’m assuming that means my fitness level is increasing, does anyone know?

Today I feel like I’m doggie paddling trying to find my way again and I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling tired and I don’t like feeling sad, BUT I know that I will never give up on me!!

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