I Just Don’t Know, The Art of Second Guessing EVERYTHING

I still haven’t decided some things. I’m not sure if I like my counselor, I go again today so we’ll see. I’m hoping I can figure this out sooner than later. She did help me some in dealing with going back home for my grandma’s memorial, although the whole situation was just awkward with my sister, so did she help me really? I don’t really know?

At our last meeting, I mentioned to her that I probably need to explore the possibility of having an eating disorder, so I’m curious if we’ll begin dealing with that tonight or not?

I’m also struggling a bit AGAIN with nutrition/food. Not so much like I was in Rolla, but I’m wondering if I’m just going to have to suck it up and count calories to ever reach my goals? I pay a nutritionist and I really like her a lot and she DOESN’T want me to use my fitness pal or count calories, but I feel like I have more accountability this way so I’m struggling. My experiment is to eat on her plan, but count calories in MFP, because I honestly have NO clue how many calories I’m eating a day? Then I see her on Oct. 2, and at this appointment she’ll take body fat %s and measure/weigh me. I think I’ve decided that I will begin weighing again the morning of that appointment and then every couple of weeks. I know that I’ve gotten WAY off course with the death of my grandma, travelling to Michigan twice in a month etc. and I know that I’ve gained some weight, but man do I just want to get under 200. I feel like the only time I’ve really gotten under my surgeons’ predicted weight of 222 was when I was in Rolla and I was a slave to the scale and calorie counting and I am really toying with the idea of doing that all again. Maybe it’s just unrealistic to think I can have it all? That I can weigh under 200, have lean muscle AND not have to count calories? I know there are a million different schools of thought on this subject and I know it’s not a black and white answer, but today I really wish it was!!

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