Feeling Lost

I’m feeling a little lost here lately. I’m completely off my workout regimen so I guess this is more of a confession blog post than anything. Sometimes I just need to get my thoughts down on paper.

So my grandma’s death was and continues to be devastating to me. I don’t think people really realize just how close we were. When I was a senior in high school my mom remarried a man who was in the Air Force so they married in December and by May our new family was stationed overseas in Italy. It was my senior year of high school and what senior wants to move away from their small town to start over? No me! So I moved in with my grandma & grandpa Lewis and finished my senior year of high school. It was such a sweet time. I feel like my grandparents really helped sculpt my character. So fast forward to the last couple years of my life, I called my grandma Lewis for EVERYTHING. I called her to ask how to get stains out of clothing, how to cook meals or bake. I would call her daily just to chat about what was happening in my life or to update her on current happenings in the family. She was my best friend. I looked forward to calling her. I usually called her around 11am my time. So you can imagine now that she’s gone, 11am is quite a lonely hour in my life. I’ve started calling my dad, who is also lost without her.

I flew to Michigan 2 weeks ago before she died and I was able to sit with her at Hospice. I was thankful to at least see her breathing. Of course she was nonresponsive, so I just talked. That is definitely as heritage she has passed on to me, the gift of gab…..haha

I knew this day would come, where she was no longer here on this earth. I guess I just didn’t want to put a lot of thought into it! I miss her deeply, more than this post can really express. Of course, I have peace knowing she’s with Jesus, but it doesn’t make the hurt any less. I miss her daily.

Sadly, death can bring out the worst In people and without going into great detail, my relationship with my sister also ended during this very difficult season of life.

So mix together, the death of my grandma, the end of a relationship with my sister, no gym workout for over a week, not eating on plan, and now my kids whom I homeschooled last year are IN school….I feel completely and utterly LOST and a bit sad.

So recognizing this as me teetering on the edge of possible depression, I called and made and appointment with a counselor for today. I’m nervous and excited, but something this difficult season has shown me is that it’s time to get the toxic relationships OUT of my life once and for all and I’m no pro at that, in fact, I tend to keep toxic people around for fear of hurting their feelings, with no real regard to myself and something this time in Michigan has shown me is that I can no longer do that AND function in a healthy way with people in my life who need me…..my husband, my kids

So off to counseling I go today at 1pm, so we’ll see and I will keep you posted, but in the meantime, if you are a praying person, please pray for me. I defiantely need it!

2 thoughts on “Feeling Lost

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