Something to know about me is that I have always been defined by my fears. I would avoid certain things for fear bad things would happen. I’m not really sure how this was produced in my life. I just remember at a really young age my mom would instill in me, “don’t bother ever coming home pregnant!” So guess what, out of fear of my mom’s disappointment and withdrawal, I was the girl in high school that didn’t sleep around. Not out of any other reason than the fear of becoming pregnant. Looking back, I wish I would have abstained because I love God and wanted to follow His commands, but that wasn’t the case. In college, I didn’t drink or party because my fear was still “don’t get pregnant” but also I had this irrational fear of being raped. I had heard horror stories about girls being slipped roofies and being raped etc. So I avoided all college parties. I was known as the “good girl” I was even made fun of in high school by my “friends” because I wouldn’t have sex. Looking back now I realize that God used my fear to protect me from deep heartache. However, I moved into my adult years with some of the same irrational fears. Irrational fears like: being killed, raped, tortured, dying a slow painful death, sickness. I knew that when we moved to Texas God wanted to do something new and different in my life. I just didn’t really understand what that was, but I’m slowly beginning to grasp a new vision.
See with Jeff’s job he travels. Not a lot but for a week at a time. I HATE being home alone….hate is not even a strong enough word for how I feel about it. I feel like a little 8 year old who has been left home alone but is somehow in charge of everything including kids!! I hate it, it scares me. My irrational fears and all the what ifs start plaguing me pretty much from the moment Jeff announces he has to travel for work and they don’t stop until he steps foot back in the door. I become a basket case, seriously a paranoid freak!! It was so bad that last summer when he travelled for his internship, we flew family out to stay with the kids and I for the week he was gone. Granted it was an internship and we were not in our home environment and the area was new to me….well this time, I didn’t have those excuses and Jeff assured me that once we were settled in Texas he would NOT be flying anyone out to stay with us this time. So I knew that this week away would be hard. Thankfully, my friend and accountability partner sent me a Scripture Phil. 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. So I CLUNG to this verse, repeating it over and over this week while yes I still locked every door possible to get to me, I made the kids sleep in my room with me and locked us in, BUT this time was different. I just didn’t sense the same kind of irrational fear that I had in times past. I believe this was a victory!! Now that we are at the end of the week Jeff is gone, I can honestly say that it was only by the grace and mercy of God that I didn’t lose my mind to fear.
Something I’ve been doing while I walk on the treadmill at the gym is I’m listening to podcasts. Basically I’m sick of my same ole’ playlists. I came across Christian author and speaker Lisa Bevere. Now truth be told I never gave her a fair shake before because my kinda “out there” Christian family members talk about her. I tend to steer clear of those individuals they love. Anyway, I don’t exactly know why I looked her up but I did and let me tell you…..goosebumps today while I walked. Her husband John, preached on The Fear of The Lord and I was convicted. Convicted to my core that I fear EVERYTHING else but the Lord. So from this moment forward I declare. I will NO Longer fear anything that originates from the enemy. I will only fear the Lord. Now granted I don’t know what that means fully…..yet, but I will. I trust that God is bringing a new season to my life and it will eradicate fear. I believe it in the depths of my soul!! WOW I love Jesus, He’s so good to me!!