So trust is not my strong suit. It’s not an attribute that I attached to as a young child living in a home of divorce with an alcohol father. In fact, I feared trust, simply because it hurt to much to attempt it. The first time I really let go and trusted anyone, let alone a man, was when I was 19, of course, my world was shattered when I realized he was cheating on me, so I cocooned into a world of self-survival, “I’ll take care of myself” was my motto and to hell with my mom’s motto, “just marry a rich man Angie”. So I moved forward in life in survival mode, unwilling to trust anyone.
When I married Jeff in 2000, I brought all this baggage with me. Bless his heart, he didn’t understand how I could be so leery of trusting him. He just trusts so easily and I didn’t understand that. So we were a hot mess in the beginning. But he loved me regardless and God used his unconditional love to begin to break down my walls. But then I got sick and walked a very scary road for about 12 years and to me it seemed like trusting God was just as painful as all the other people who had let me down. So like I wrote before, I went on autopilot during this time, and just got through it.
Fast forward to today…….
I’ve had a year of an amazing health journey. I’ve lost weight. I’ve been in counseling. I now live in a state that I love, both physically and emotionally. My life is starting to feel amazing and yes it’s terrifying
But a chain of events happen yesterday and have me now, not only seeing God’s hand in my life, but also how He desperately wants me to trust him…..no strings attached.
Here’s some back story.
We moved to TX right after Memorial Day and the first 5 days I had our family running around to visit different schools for our children. We planned to put them in Christian school prior to moving to TX. Well you pay handsomely for Christian school here. The decision came down to two options.
Option 1: a school that uses a computer based curriculum for all subjects but math and (I can’t remember the other subject), less expensive, affordable for us to also buy the type of house in the area we want to be located in. An easier drive…..lots of pros, only con is that it’s computer based
Option 2: A teacher led classroom with an emphasis on academic and spiritual growth of the children. Sounds perfect? It’s double the cost of option 1, in a bad area-one we wouldn’t buy a house in, making my drive time between 30-45 mins and pre stroke this wouldn’t be an issue, but since I now don’t see as well, this is a real factor. We wouldn’t be able to afford a house that we want in an area we want. Plus any extra services like: tutoring or music lesson is an additional 1-3,000 a month…….I’ll be honest, I’ve felt a lot of outside pressure from family members to put our kids here. In fact, several have said, “what’s the big deal you’ll be making a lot of money, you should be able to afford it!” OK starters, IF you live on a budget and plan to EVER get out of debt, for a family of FOUR what Jeff is making isn’t a boat load of extra money…..anyway I digress
So like I said, I felt pressure, Jeff felt pressue, so we pushed forward with option 2 and put an offer in on a house that would be at the top of our budget in a not-so-great-area, but a beautiful house……
Once the decision was made, I tossed and turned that whole night. I literally found myself saying, “Lord would you cause the seller to reject our offer” I told Jeff prior to our offer going in that IF they didn’t accept we should walk away, that it wasn’t from God….then here I am praying that they would reject our offer!!
Oh and I forgot to mention that when I spoke to option1 school she told me that they didn’t have enough room in 5th grade for my son, but if we choose to send our kids there they would make one spot for him, So when I turned her down for Option 2, I felt panicked…..were we making the right choice?
Needless to say I didn’t sleep that night, I was praying, Lord cause this offer to be rejected and ugh am I going to end up homeschooling again?
Then I went to the gym that morning and my conversation with God continued just like it had throughout the night.
So when I got home and found my husband stressed out, talking on the phone, it shouldn’t have been surprising that it had to do with the house.
We were faced with the decision to either strap ourselves financially and push forward with the house or wait for some funds to arrive mid-June. We were at another crossroad. Our previous life experiences would have had us pushing forward, doing whatever it took, but on this day, we backed off. Neither one of us felt peace about the house situation, so we pulled our offer. I felt like this was step one in God saying, “trust me Angie, it’s alright you can” I can’t tell you the overwhelming peace that pulling that offer brought. Next came the kid’s school decision. Again Jeff and I were struggling with this choice. Was it a fine school? Absolutely? Could we afford it? Yes, but at the expense of buying a house…..it may sound selfish, but there is so much more that goes into this than I have time to write, so trust me when I say, it wasn’t selfish.
I knew the situation with Option 1 School that they not only had a waiting list, but were making a special circumstance for our son. So I knew that this would be a really big obstacle. I kept fretting to Jeff about it and he would say things like, “God will work it all out Angie” or “what will be will be” drove me nuts!!! I wanted to know plan B….come on, that’s how I’m wired after all, or is it?
I left several messages at the school, we even drove over there to find that the school was closed this week. I was crumbled. I felt devastated like we couldn’t move forward with any plans until we knew what was happening with my kid’s school.
Jeff told me to leave message everyday anyway. I thought that was dumb, but I did it anyway. So yesterday I left another message and as I was sitting at the table my phone rang, only I didn’t hear it because I had my ringer off. After back and forth phone tag with the admissions coordinator, she finally left me her personal cell phone number. I FINALLY reached her mid-day yesterday. After a lot of graveling and apologizing and I asked if there was any way my kids could still attend her school next year. She told me she had just talked to the principal this morning because she had other families needing a 5th grade spot. The principal told her to let those families know that they are full. To which Debbie, admissions coordinator, told the principal that I had been trying to reach her and she had a feeling I was wanting to sign my kids up. The principal said to go ahead and make a spot for our son in 5th grade!!!! Amazing, right?!!
So after digesting all of this for several hours last night and then really thinking about it all at about 4am this morning, so of the working conclusions I’ve come to are:
If I attempt to rely on myself, in my own survival mode mentality, I always fail. It never works out, never has and never will!! But when I truly surrender my desires and questions to God, He always works it out the way that it will most benefit me in the end. Even if I get in my own way, He still wins!
While yes it’s important to take into consideration extended family’s input, it’s important to realize that at the end of the day Jeff and I are our own family unit and we know the day in and day out rub of our life, no one else really does. You only see what we allow you to see.
God says, “My beloved is mine and I am his;
he browses among the lilies”. Song of Songs 2:16
Have you ever been so in love that you are just captured up in everything about the other person? The way he looks at you? The way he moves, how he talks, the sound of his voice? How he smells? Imagine now feeling that way about God? What would that do in your life?
I know for me, it messes me up…in a good way….makes me want to be near to Him. Makes me want to listen and do what He says because I can’t get enough of Him, but not only that I know He won’t hurt me. I’m not for His sport, He wants to take care of me, the way a deeply in love, committed man would….like my husband.
God didn’t say trust me because it’s easy, He says, trust me because I love you!!