Autopilot

So I’m struggling today and I feel like I’m on autopilot.

You see I’ve been through medical hell these past 14 years. It’s literally been one thing after another and in order to cope and get through all of it, I switched into autopilot, went numb and shoved the panic down, Yes it came out through overeating and abusing my body, of course this was NOT healthy. It’s how I coped. Obviously not well, but it is what it is….

So today’s impending EMG/nerve conduction test has me standing at the fork in the road again. I know the path I’ve taken in the past and it’s not pretty. It’s not the path that I want to take today, for sure. But the other path scares me because I don’t know what to expect down that path. That path is lined with hope…..hope that the outcome won’t be as bad as I imagine. Hope that there could be an easy fix to this neuropathy…..Hope

Hope and me typically haven’t been friends in the past and I’d like to develop that friendship, but I’m scared.

I’m scared to hope…..

So I’m struggling today

But I will NOT use food today to cope with my fear. I will not!! I do feel like that part of me is dead. Is it still a struggle? Absolutely, but I will fight to be strong. We shall see how it goes

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