It’s been a rough couple of days for me personally. We are in the process of moving out of state (currently on the road) and yesterday as we were packing and running last minute errands I had a situation erupt with a family member that really had me spiraling, out of control. So much s, that at one point my almost stable BP was 189/100 and I felt like absolute crap. So I had to stop what I was doing, lay down and do some deep breathing exercises (thankfully I learned in counseling this last year) Mostly what the deep breathing exercises did was slowed down my thinking and got my anxiety under control and in that moment I was able to hear from God and I found Him telling me, once again, to finish reading the book Boundaries. The book Boundaries was something my counselor had recommended I read and I started it about 6 months ago but just wasn’t able to get through it. The beginning is a little dry.
Anyway, I decided that I would take the 2 day car trip to really dig into this book and see how God would use it in my life.
So far so good…..I’m really just at the beginning, but as I enter this new life in Texas I want to have healthy relationships with people, especially this particular family member. I am NO expert by any means, nor do I claim to be. All I can do is share with you what I’m learning and hope that you are inspired and that God will somehow use my struggles and journey to reveal Himself to you.
So far what I’m learning through this book (remember I’m just at the beginning)…..is that when I care about someone I care deeply, to the point of my own destruction almost.
It’s funny because when I was having another issue with another family member about 6 months ago my counselor said, “Angie there is a fine line between love and hate and I would be more concerned if you felt indifferent toward this person because then that would show me you didn’t care”. Then fast forward to Saturday’s incident and I was texting my friend DeLisa, “why do I care so much that this is happening?” and her response was, “Because you love her”…..well great!
So what does that mean?
Do I stop caring?
Putting myself out there?
What that means is that I need healthy God centered boundaries in place to protect the Joy in my heart that God has placed there. You see I was so wrapped up in the situation on Saturday that I was allowing it to steal my joy. Joy for our move to Texas, something we’ve looked forward to for over a year and have been in the process of planning for six years. Here I was so caught up in the chaos and drama of this family member that not only was it wreaking havoc on my health (high BP) but it was killing the joy that I had of looking forward to our move, our new life. So I came before the Lord and asked for forgiveness for allowing His joy to be stolen in from my heart and for allowing myself to be a doormat…..again.
I truly don’t know why I allow this to happen……………..that’s where the book Boundaries comes in…..So I’m excited to start reading and applying these principals in my life….
Here’s some thoughts and things I’ve started to learn in the last 12 hours.
“Our deepest need is to belong, to be in a relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional “home The very nature of God is to be in a relationship: “God is love” says 1John 4:6 Love means relationship—the caring, committed connection of one individual to another”.
WOW ok, so that’s exactly how God has wired me….got it….I love to belong and be accepted, who doesn’t?
Now catch this because this is where my reading concluded last night and how deeply I felt God touching my heart……it goes on to say
“We are built for relationship. Attachment is the foundation of the soul’s existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries become impossible to develop. Why? Because when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict. When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options:
- We set limits and risk losing a relationship
- We don’t set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another……BINGO, this is me ALL the time
Taken from Boundaries
I was really convicted of this last part, when we are not secure that we are loved…..WOW WOW WOW, that’s EXACTLY how I feel with this particular family member. I constantly feel like I walk on egg shells, afraid to be honest about my feelings because she’ll get pissed off and cut me out of her life, which she has done on countless occasions in the past. Doesn’t past behavior (when unrepentant) indicate future behavior? Yes it does. So I hold my tongue and move forward….waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well guess what? It did on Saturday, which was the WRONG time for it to drop because while yes I got caught up in the same vicious cycle I didn’t linger there like I would have done in the past. Instead I’m deciding to walk through this differently…..how? I don’t have that completely planned out just yet, but I know that by finishing this book AND talking to God about it, this will be the first time in my life that I deal with a close family member differently…..healthy!