My Mother’s Day

As I sit here on the morning of Mother’s Day 2015, I can’t help but reflect on the history that led to me being a mother. You see my entire life all I ever wanted to be was a mommy. I dreamt of the day when I would marry my best friend and we would raise a family together.

Seriously,

while other people were dreaming of going away to college all I wanted to do was be a stay at home mom. Even in college I felt lost as I didn’t really know what I would major in or pursue because I just wanted to be married with kids. So it was natural that I would choose a profession to work with and protect children…..social work.

There are many avenues to apply a social work degree, but I always found myself in child protection, it was just a natural fit.

As I approached my 20s and the prospect of finding a husband grew dimmer, I even considered adopting or becoming a foster parent…….while single.

I just wanted to be a mom.

I had to surrender my desire to be married with kids over to God because it had become an idol in my life. For a long time it was all I would focus on or think about.

So in 1996 I gave it to God.

I told God, “ok you can have this and please don’t awaken desire in me again until you put my best friend, the man you would have me marry, in my path” and you know what, He didn’t!!

God is really good like that.

Sure there were guys who pursued me, one in particular was even a friend, but the desire in my heart just wasn’t there!!  It truly was a God ordained thing, hard to explain but I know it and you can’t convince me otherwise!!

Then I met Jeff in 1996, when I was surrendering my desire to God. Jeff wasn’t even a blip on my radar, at the time. In fact, he was the polar opposite of anyone I had been previously attracted to. A young, long haired, hippy, guitar playing boy, whom I just didn’t understand. Sure he was passionate about Jesus but aside from that I just didn’t see it. Little did I know that over the course of the next 5 years that the friendship that developed between Jeff and I would lead to a lasting, deep, God appointed love and marriage. So when I married my absolute best friend on September 29, 2000, I not only felt like the luckiest girl in the world, I knew that God Himself had orchestrated it all!!

Can you imagine my  utter disbelief then in 2001, when a visit to the OBGYN confirmed the reason I was going on average 65 days without a menstrual cycle was due to PCOS, how completely devastated I was? I was?I was  told the only way we would naturally conceive a child was by going on a prescription medication called Clomid.

I was devastated….

broken….

shocked.

Because not only did I have this going on, but I also had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and told NOT to get pregnant, oh a by the way, go off birth control because it could make the tumor grow. ( I didn’t go on Clomid, my neurosurgeon wouldn’t allow it)

I remember sobbing in the parking lot as my new husband held me, telling me that we could trust God. I was angry! I didn’t want to trust God in that moment,

I wanted to be mad.

My life’s dream was shattered.

I didn’t see any other way, so how could I possibly trust God?

Once I collected myself, I started thinking of all the possibilities, thinking, “well maybe that’s why God put the desire for adoption in my heart?  Because He knew I wouldn’t be able to have children naturally?” OK God I can walk through this all…..

So when I had a grand mal seizure in November 2001 and later found out it was because I was pregnant and the pregnancy hormones and my brain tumor were opposing each other, I was not only ecstatic, I was terrified!!

Terrified mostly because I knew that I had gone through a season of not trusting God and yet He faithfully delivered on my deepest heart’s desire.

The original OBGYN basically said it was a rare thing that I got pregnant and that “it won’t happen again!” So you can imagine my amusement when I found out I was pregnant again in 2005!!!

So you see, I believe that not only is it a miracle that I am a mommy today but that I serve a very BIG God, who ordains, directs, and purposes my every step in this life. Because without Him, I never would have had the deep desire to be married or to be a mommy. He has done it all through and in my life and without Him I am NOTHING!!!!

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