Reflection

Today I wrap up my yearlong counseling session with my counselor and I’ll be honest it freaks me out a bit, but I also know that I’ve made some incredible ground with head work over the course of the last year.

It’s funny because I started going to her a year ago because I thought I had an eating disorder and following my bariatric surgery I wanted to make sure that IF I did I dealt with it correctly, so that I could be successful in my weight loss from a healthy perspective.

So yep, I have an eating disorder all right, it’s called seriously disordered eating….duh, I mean I was morbidly obese and you certainly don’t get to that point in life without some seriously whacked out disordered thinking about food. Little did I know some of the root issues as to why I would overeat or use food to numb emotions that I didn’t want to feel.

The first area I explored over this past year was restructuring my ideas about my self-worth and how that identity is NOT tied to how much I weigh or even the number on the scale from month to month, rather it’s on things like how I treat people, my heart, my intelligence, my love for my family…..much deeper issues than how much I weigh.

Next I explored the need for healthy boundaries in my life. You see I have an uber dysfunctional family. I sometimes forget how stinking dysfunctional they are until I get whacked over the head again. I’ve gone my entire life without getting my emotional needs met and you would think years later I should realize that it’s not going to magically start happening now…. Suddeny, but I forget and get sucked in and then end up getting hurt. This is honestly just a vicious cycle that not only needs to stop, but I need to continue to construct healthy boundaries. This has probably been the hardest part of counseling for me personally. Simply because I crave authentic relationships with my mom and sister, the most. There are moments where I think authenticity is possible, but then wham I’m knocked over the head by the reality of the situation….it always hurts…..and in the past I would run to the crappiest junk food and drown my misery!! But I can honestly say, I no longer do that. In fact, I’m changing my reaction to the hurt, which is HUGE for me. This is seriously only a result of counseling and reading books like Boundaries (something I need to finish btw)

And finally, throughout the course of this year, I’ve discovered that I like my body. This is also HUGE because I had spent years and years of hating my body, abusing my body and not respecting my body. Sure I still look in the mirror and see “problem areas” but hey I’m female and I think that’s normal, BUT I look in the mirror now and instead of saying things to myself like, “ugh look at your fat arms they are disgusting”. I say things like,” wow Angie, look at your rear delts, can you see the definition?” For the first time in my life, I’m proud of the hard work that I put in at the gym, for putting myself on a course to be not only fit, but healthy.

So yes, it’s bittersweet for my counseling times to be ending, I feel ready to take on the rest of this journey head on!!

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