Crash & Burn

Burn

Well I’m human. I forget that fact some days.

Today, I epically failed to control myself in the kitchen. My doctor was pushing for me to have an MRI. I didn’t think I would be this affected. Boy was I wrong. See about 13 years ago I had a doctor “look into” why I was suffering from migraines. I had been complaining for months of these ongoing headaches, so he said we need to get a Cat Scan to make sure nothing else is going on. I just figured I was having these headaches because I had just started on birth control pills, I was after all newly married (at this point by about 6 months). The Cat Scan revealed something suspicious on the lining of the brain, which lead to years and years of ongoing MRIs, neurosurgeons and lots and lots of pain. Literally, I had brain surgery as a result, followed by chronic migraines, a diagnosis of an AVM, radiation, and ultimately a stroke. So you can imagine my increased fear and anxiety at the mention of a MRI. The doctor’s nurse called me YESTERDAY to tell me he’s wanting an MRI, so what did I do? I WORRIED all night about this stupid test, overthinking it. I called her back this morning to explain to her that I have some left over post-traumatic stress from my experiences with MRIs and that I really didn’t think I could mentally handle actually having one done. She said she would talk to the doctor and get back with me. I hung up the phone and honestly wasn’t thinking anything. Little did I know I was FEELING a lot. I just wasn’t in recognition mode, instead I was just wrapped up in fear.

So

I was in our kitchen.

Background: We have a “crap” cupboard, it’s where we keep all the foods that are triggers for me (see the food addiction post). The crap in the cupboard is there because my husband buys it for himself and out kids. Now I know there are Oreos and homemade brownies in there. So I am in the kitchen, under the guise of making my son some popcorn. He asks me to put a “treat” under his popcorn, something I’ve done since my kids were little. I’m thinking where am I going to get a “treat”? Then I see that the cupboard lock is OFF……danger…..

So what do I do?

Before really thinking through anything, I’m in it! Like a fly of poop, it’s crazy looking back on it, but….I seriously was in go mode.

First I attack the Oreos.

When I say attack, I mean I plowed through 4 of them, without    A) even tasting them and B) without thinking. Next I dive into a bin of homemade brownies, again same thing…plowed through about 4 or 5 without tasting or thinking. They seemed to taste better than the Oreos though.

By the time, the thought hit me, “Angie what the heck are you doing?” It was too late, I had done some serious damage!! I consumed easily 6-700 calories….easily.

Of course when I was done binging and sat done, my phone rang.

It was my doctor’s nurse. She said my doctor was willing to forgo the MRI and replace the test with an ultrasound instead.

Whew

Relief

Then

Instant

Guilt

I tried to explain the binge away in my mind, that maybe it was PMS….my cycles have been uber screwed up since losing about 70 lbs. nothing is normal. I honestly don’t even know if I’m pmsing at this point, I’m a week late. NO I’m not pregnant. My husband is fixed….haha

Then it hit me.

I think I had this binge because I’ve been scared about this potential MRI. I didn’t even realize I was so affected by it. But I’m thinking this has to be the reason and if it’s not I’ve got bigger issues than I thought!

Moral to the story…..

Much like a fire, I need to STOP, FEEL, And WALK AWAY

I’ve got a call into my counselor so I can talk through this, but in the meantime, I need to just walk away.

On the plus side, I didn’t have an ongoing binge. Something I would have done last year. I didn’t eat everything in the cupboard, also something I would have done last year. Once the thought hit me, “what the heck are you doing?” I stopped and then asked the kids to put the lock back on the cupboard. This seemingly small victory was a good first step.

Now I’m paying the price. My stomach has been making crazy noises and I haven’t been able to eat on schedule since this episode, but I’ll learn. I am just human and this journey is a struggle. But I will prevail!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s